The Updated State (of Things)

So you may or may not remember that in the last blog post, I mentioned that the CCCWA had changed their rules and we would not be able to submit our dossier until Jet turned three in January--which was disappointing but did give us time to save, time to enjoy our family, and basically, just time.

On Wednesday, someone from our agency called and said she had news that was about to make me very, very happy. I was skeptical, because I knew they weren't calling with a file referral, and had no honest clue what sort of news would "make my day, or maybe even my week." She proceeded to tell me that they (our agency) had inquired if their families that were already in process but not yet matched or DTC would still be able to continue on as planned, and the CCCWA said yes! I asked her maybe three or four different times, rewording it just to triple and quadruple check, that we no longer had to wait for Jet to turn three--and no we don't! So yes, that was good news! I texted a friend and she asked how I felt about it, and I said relieved--because I no longer had to worry about timelines but yet we didn't have to rush. 

Ha. 

Yesterday, I wasn't feeling well so I stayed offline a lot of the day, but when I finally checked my email late yesterday I actually found out that our "no rush" plan was now obsolete. Per our agency, the CCCWA wants all families who are now grandfathered in under the old rules to submit their dossiers within 3-4 months. That might seem like a lot of time, but it actually isn't...or it isn't if you were planning on sending documents via regular priority mail or ground, not overnight. Our home study visits are complete, but as of the time of that email yesterday we were still waiting on a few documents our HS agency needed to complete before writing. 

Fast forward to this morning: we ended up receiving and getting approval on the last few documents needed to complete the home study...but got another email from our agency that said even though our home study isn't complete, they would like us to file with immigration and overnight those documents, like today. (The reason this is weird is because with immigration/USCIS they NEED a copy of your home study to approve you to adopt--so to send things sans home study means a few extra steps as soon as that is done.)

Again, maybe this doesn't seem like a huge deal. And it really probably isn't. But we went from "ok, we'll wait an extra six months", to "Yay! We don't have to wait but no rush," to "GET THIS DONE ASAP YOU NEED TO DO THIS NOW". Almost every time I checked my email, there was another little tidbit of instructions to follow. 

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. When plans change frequently, for better or worse, I don't handle it well. 

What? I know. This is completely brand new information to all of you.  

Last time we did this, we didn't have a two year old (who is currently making elephant noises in his crib instead of sleeping), so we could work on it pretty much whenever--but now we really can't until after 7:30 or we have to take him with if there's a last minute errand--like this morning when I ran a few documents that couldn't be emailed or mailed to our HS agency. That means that last night Derek stayed home to help me make sense of everything and get what we could ready instead of going to a meeting he had at 8:30. And it meant that tonight he stayed home from a work thing to also help with getting documents ready for the first round as well as trying to make sense of the I-800A application and instructions. It makes for tense situations and arguments over the most mundane things, such as, should we notarize today or Monday? Should we do it over Derek's lunch break (right before nap) or after he gets off work (also known as the witching hour--or maybe that's just our two year old)? What are we supposed to write in certain blanks on the I-800A application since we aren't submitting our home study with it? How can we get answers to our questions now that our agency is closed for the day? Why don't you know the answers to these questions? I don't know, why don't you? (I vaguely remember having these arguments last time too.) And where in the world are the dining chairs I ordered from IKEA and why haven't they been delivered? What does that have to do with anything? 

Everything just escalates to An Issue. 

But then I opened Derek's wallet this afternoon because I needed his driver's license number (I can't be expected to memorize everything) and see a label I made with our fancy label maker in the retirement home where I worked in college--he still has it, even though his wallet has changed multiple times, it's not even sticky anymore, and I even got him a replacement copper "wallet card" so that he didn't need it. And it helped me remember that we are in this together. It might be chaotic, but that's life. Honestly, if we got through Jet's adoption, his subsequent tests and surgeries, and really just this past year in general, a little upheaval and rushing around isn't going to hurt anyone. Everything will still get done, and yeah, we might be overnighting things and using couriers instead of using ground service, but in the scheme of things, it's not life-altering. It doesn't change the end goal. If anything, it speeds that end goal up a little bit. 

I am happy to report that we have completed all eight documents that are ready for the first wave of sealing. I am also happy to report that we have completed our I-800A application as much as we can (fun fact, there's a rather massive typo/error by the US government on it that we cannot change). The world will not end if we don't send it until Monday to arrive Tuesday. Our home study should be written by Monday, where it will then go to the HS agency director and us to review for errors, and then our placement agency, who will fine tooth comb it at least three times. Things are getting done. We probably will be DTC by the end of October. There's a fairly good chance that with our luck, our fingerprinting appointment at the USCIS office in Chicago will be scheduled during the week we are on vacation, but we'll figure it out. Again, things will get done. 

And as I've said many, many times, life goes on outside of whatever issue we're dealing with. As I mentioned before, last time we did this we didn't have a two year old, and this time we do. We may be working on adding a brother or sister to the family for him, but our main focus is still him--as it should be--until we accept a match--and then he gets to share. We don't want the words "in a minute" or "maybe later" to become the norm in this house. So that means yeah, paperwork gets put aside, we watch "Lots and Lots of Trucks" on Amazon Prime so much that we hear it in our sleep, we do puzzles, we swim, etc. After a lot of thought, we decided Jet really needed some sort of structured social aspect in his life, so he's starting two year old preschool (which is way more intense than I thought it would be) in less than a month. He is absolutely going to love it, and they have a doctor's kit AND a PomPom (panda) so how could he not? Most importantly, school will be "his thing" and will also give me and/or Derek one-on-one time with our new son/daughter to help with bonding and adjustment. 

So. That's where things stand. Our T-Shirt campaign is over, but the link should remain live if anyone still purchases. Our garage sale with our good friends is still scheduled for August 11/12. For our praying friends, we ask for these specific three things (in addition to our son or daughter, whomever they may be): 

1) Finances. Due to an even faster dossier completion we will be sending the money sooner, so wise decisions on that. 

2) Good weather for the garage sale--no rain, and definitely not 100+ degree weather or heat indices. 

3) Pray for a traveling companion for (probably) Derek for when the time comes. If at all possible, we don't want to leave Jordan home for two weeks and then completely disrupt his life even more with a new sibling. 

Thank you to those of you who ask how everything is going and ask questions about the process. It means a lot that you try to understand more what we're working on/toward. I know I used a lot of acronyms in this post, and I'll explain more about the process later--something I meant to do last time but did not. Thank you all, as always, for your support. We appreciate it more than you'll know. 

The State of Things

Hi. How are you?

I typically use our Facebook group to give updates on where we're at in the adoption process, but shockingly enough, Facebook is not always the right form of mass media communication (I know, I'm still getting over it too). I actually had to rewrite the majority of this post regarding our current adoption progress, based on the happenings of this past week.

So. What exactly are our updates?

Family: Jet is being fantastically two and a half. I'm not entirely sure where he picks up half of the things he is learning, because Curious George does not strike me as being particularly educational, but over the past few weeks he's really started talking a lot more--new words, sentences with a subject/verb/predicate, pronouns, etc. His new favorite phrase is "What's that?" which is driving everyone (Derek and me) crazy, and also sounds more like "whazZAT!" He's slowly progressing in his physical therapy; even if not much improvement is shown yet at least now he is willing to participate and listen. We also plan to head to Birmingham next week with a stop in Tupelo on the way home to do a whirlwind trip to see some of Jet's MSFH family as well as another special family who was in our travel group in China last year. Also, save the date; J's baptism is set for August 27--now that there's no RSV, pneumonia, heart surgeries, etc. in sight. I have no idea which service, because I didn't ask or specify (maybe Derek did?). If anyone does know the answer to that, let me know! Ha!

We also are planning to take a much needed family vacation (with no agenda or schedule to follow) in September. Derek and I originally wanted it to be just the two of us for our tenth anniversary this November, but after this past year we really want to have some uninterrupted time as a family of three before things get crazy again. Since this is our second go around with adopting from China, I now know that really once you're matched things get pretty crazy, pretty fast...until you land back in the States again (and then they're crazy in a completely different way).

Adoption: Our last home study meeting is July 11, and the majority of our paperwork is ready to be shipped off for the first step of sealing. Casey even gets to get in on the fun with updated vaccines and vet record. He's very excited. We were originally hoping up until a couple days ago to submit our dossier asap, but due to some new laws that China has passed we can no longer do so until Jet turns three in January. It's a little frustrating and disappointing, but in the grand scheme of things, as I mentioned on the Facebook page, it's honestly more of an annoyance compared to what many families are now facing. We do have to do some fancy footwork to time the authenticating of some of our documents accordingly, by not being able to be DTC (dossier to China) until the end of January, but it's all very doable. We have two choices...two ways to look at this, and right now, we're accepting that this is a good thing. It's forcing us to take more time together as a family, hopefully with less hospital time, and giving us the opportunity to save for a few extra months. We also realize that had we already been matched with a child, we may have had no choice but to wait to travel until at least January, or, release the file back to China.

To put this plainly, and bluntly, we'll be upfront and say that unlike our last adoption we are no longer a dual income family, plus--although we have great insurance--we do also have a child with medical special needs. Therefore, our finances are not what they were when we were in the process of adopting Jet. Originally, when we first decided that yes, we want to do this again, it left us with a bit of a dilemma. Do we wait to save up the majority of the money (thankfully costs are still around the same--you can look here for a very accurate itemized list) or do we step out in faith and practice what we've been preaching for the past three years? We did the math, and looked at the facts (hello, I married an engineer)...and while the math doesn't add up, the facts are the same. Last time, every time we came up short, God provided a way...whether that was through an anonymous donation, a fundraising type event, or learning what our real priorities are. Therefore, once again, we're learning (because how quickly we forget) how to do the trust fall.

Therefore, we are mainly concentrating our adoption fundraisers in three separate ways, and it's important to us to share you how those funds will be used:

1. Adoption T-Shirts: This is the first time we've attempted to do something like this, and honestly weren't sure how it would "take." However, we've been amazed at the generosity shown with people purchasing shirts. There are still about twelve days left to order should you still wish to. Click the t-shirt photo at the bottom of this list to take you directly to the t-shirt sales link! With the funds we receive from the shirt sales, we are applying those directly to our home study fees and document sealing fees, which we anticipate to be around $2,500-$3000.
2. Garage Sale: We are SO excited to be doing a garage sale again, and even more excited to share this experience with our friends the Zobacs (check out their story here). We had originally planned to hold the garage sale in April/May, but somebody had to go and have heart surgery...and then the Zobacs ended up being matched and needing to travel. Throwing a garage sale is a lot of work, and we wanted to make sure we would all be able to put in the necessary prep time. You can learn more about the garage sale on the other picture below (yes, that has it's own Facebook page too). It will be, rain or shine (but hopefully shine) the weekend of August 11 & 12, and we really hope you'll check it out. Again, the funds Derek and I receive from the garage sale will go directly to our home study and document sealing fees.
3. Puzzle Piece Fundraiser: Yes, we are doing a puzzle piece fundraiser. We couldn't do one for Jet and not do one for Tanis2 (again, working title). We do not yet have this set up, but unlike last time, we hope to offer people the option of donating to an AdoptTogether account so that people who would like to receive a tax receipt will be able to. If we qualify for a matching grant, we will use that instead of the AdoptTogether site, but only time will tell. Neither of these can be set up (or approved) until our home study is complete, and just like last time, the funds will be used to cover flights and some travel expenses. Since now we won't be traveling until at the very earliest next spring, there is no rush on this but will keep you informed. 

Although we've given three separate options to help support us in the next phase of our Tanii Life, ultimately, our biggest request is for your prayers. Pray for our hearts as we adjust to this slight delay and change of plans. Pray for people to want to get involved, however that may be--financially, donating items, volunteering time, etc. Praise God with us for those that already have. Pray for Derek and I to be wise with our saving (and spending). We recognize that without asking God for his help and guidance, we really wouldn't be where we are today without His help thus far. So please, please pray for all of those things with us and for us, and most importantly pray that we would not lose sight of the finish line, so to speak, and especially, pray for our second little person on the other side of the world.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thess. 5:16-18

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen. Eph. 3:20-21

Your Yes or No

Your no is someone else's yes. And your yes might have been someone else's no.

"I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (Message)

I still remember the very first child's file we ever inquired about. It was a little boy with an unrepaired cleft palate/repaired cleft lip. We were so entirely excited, because he seemed like he would fit in so well based on what we read about online. Before we could view the file, another family had already stepped forward to be his Forever Family.

The next file we inquired about was a little girl, and we were the ninth family to inquire about her. Again, we were so excited, but based on the sheer number of families in front of us, we realistically knew we would never see her file.

We did this two or three more times before finally deciding we just needed to wait until we were DTC (dossier to China). Getting our hopes up until getting an email saying that another family had stepped forward to view the file before we could was starting to wear on and discourage us.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"Jeremiah 29:11 (niv)

Then we were matched, just one day after our dossier was sent over to China in January 2016. To be matched means that a child with a medical condition that we had previously "checked yes" to was now available to us. It was the first file we had ever received and we were, basically, ecstatic. We read his file over and over again, and every time we found something to laugh about or something more to love about him. He loved bread. We love bread! Noodles and dumplings were his favorite. We could easily make noodles and dumplings our favorite! And even though he was young, he had a no-nonsense personality that we loved and felt like he would fit right in.

We were encouraged by friends to get his file reviewed by an international adoption doctor. While waiting for that appointment via phone call, in the days between we also researched his need and realized more and more that we didn't know if we would be able to provide the care he needed. The phone call with the IA doctor confirmed that there might be more going on than what was listed, and even though Derek and I were conferencing in to the call each from our own workplaces, we knew that ultimately, we were not the family for him without even needing to discuss it--all while the doctor was congratulating us on such a cute little boy, such a fun child, what a personality, etc. Even now, over a year and a half later, thinking about writing our agency to say no still makes me tear up a little bit.

We gave ourselves a week or two to recover, but I couldn't help myself and started inquiring over files again. One was a boy with mild cerebral palsy--and no one could find his file anywhere. Another was a boy that was listed CL/CP (cleft lip/palate), but it was obvious after reading through the file that there was more going on than what was listed.

Obviously, you all know where this is going. Only six weeks later from our first match did we get the call about Jet. Obviously, you know how that turned out. But that's not what I'm writing about tonight.

You see, for every single one of those kids, all of those files, you have no choice but to imagine your life with them. Or their life with you. Full of family vacations that you want to take, baseball games or basketball, (just hopefully not cross country) favorite foods, reading books in the car on road trips, kindergarten, eighth grade, etc. It's a future that is almost within reach, until something happens and you realize you are not the family for them, and they are not the child for you. And all of those hopes and dreams go away, and you feel that loss significantly.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'Plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.'"Jeremiah 29:11 (esv)

And now we're starting this process again. We've actively reviewed one file with the intention to submit our yes, only to have it disappear before we could do so. We've received two more files over the past month that we've been "matched" with per our already filled out medical conditions checklist. One who would have been a great big brother for Jet, and another who would have been a fantastic little brother. Both of which were difficult "no's" to give. Both of which we had those dreams and hopes of a future, but neither were in God's plan.

A small comfort that we've clung to is "your no is someone else's yes." Almost all of the children that we've been matched with--and all of the children that we've inquired about--are with or have their forever families. One is already is in her forever home with Jesus. And we know that that's the way it was meant to be.

Because what is the end goal here? What is the purpose for why we are doing this? Sure, we want to grow our family. Jet needs a sibling desperately (desperately!). Derek and I desire a house full of kids and shoes everywhere with a slobbering dog that sheds all over and those family vacations where no one is really speaking by the end of them because we're all sick of each other--those are the things that we want. But the end goal? It's for these kids to have "a future and a hope." To "prosper and not be harmed." To "be taken care of."

"To not be abandoned."

We're so excited to be starting this process over again. We're excited to know a bit more (not much) about what we're doing. We're excited for Jet's new brother or sister. We're excited for "one less". We're excited to see what God's end goal is here. But we're also nervous. Nervous because every picture, every video, every anecdote and description and favorite food and personality that we see and read about for each one of these kids makes us more vulnerable. It's hard to decipher God's will with both our heads and our hearts involved for each of these children. We ask for prayers again, as we move forward. We have no idea when the next phone call will come. Prayers for clarity, wisdom and strength, and ultimately, to realize that we are being entrusted to care for and raise eternal souls by giving a home to these fatherless. Not our will, but His.

Thank you.