Wee Tanii Three

This past April, we told ourselves "Let's take some time. Let's have a normal summer, maybe even a normal, no surprises, ordinary year. Let's not do anything rash." I think we even wrote about it, if you go back far enough.

Because, to stay as honest as we've always promised you, that's what we wanted. Normalcy. No penny pinching, no sleepless nights, no doubts. A one way ticket to easy street. We earned it, right?

Yet tonight here we are, one month after our application approval to adopt our third child from China, because, truth be told, deep down that easy street ticket wasn't sitting well. Uncomfortable. A nudge that wouldn't go away. Wrong even.

As soon as we hit submit, we felt the familiar feelings of excitement and anticipation. Planning out bedrooms and sleeping arrangements (bunk beds!), who will travel (can we all???), and even what vacations will look like, ways we can cut costs and budget and look for support for this adoption.

Within a few hours though, a funny thing happened that I can't say I remember feeling before. All of the doubts and fears and selfishness that had made us say "Let's wait awhile" months earlier came rushing back with a vengeance, and so we decided not to say anything to anyone.

Do we still replace the 33 year old HVAC in our new home?
What about the flooring I wanted?
Can we still paint the walls? 
What about our boys and their current medical needs?
What about our previous and various commitments?
How will we pay for this?

What will people say?
What will they think?
Will they even care?

If you're just tuning in, you'll quickly learn this is our third time starting the adoption process in three years. Everything was so new and exciting throughout the entire process of the adoption of our oldest son that it felt surreal, like a real adventure, from the beginning of our home study to landing at the airport.

The process of adopting our younger son was a bit harder. There were many roadblocks, delays, and changes to the program; yet, because of God's timing we ended up being grandfathered in, so that other than waiting for all the  appropriate approvals, we were able to continue on and eight months after receiving our approval we welcomed home our next son.

Over the last two and a half years, because of adoption, because of our boys and their needs, because of our own heart change, we have felt aspects of our lives change and priorities rearrange and friendships evolve. It would be wrong to admit that we don't mourn what used to be, but if we hadn't said yes, if we had missed this, we would have not found a community of adoptive families that can relate, families that have been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt (and I mean that both literally and figuratively). Families that, by the time Judah came home just shy of two years after bringing home Jordan, had become the kind of friends we could text at 2am and they'd be up for a conversation.

Our tribe. Our village. Our people.

And so it was to these friends, both near and far, that we first tentatively spoke to about adopting again, to gauge their reactions, still with the intention of keeping this quiet to our extended friends and family because of our fears.

And it was those beautiful souls who affirmed us with a resounding YES. Who volunteered to be travel companions (we now have a wait list). Who offered encouragement and prayers right then. Who volunteered to help however and whenever they could. Who understood what we meant when we said our family didn't feel complete, that we are missing someone.

Who told us, when we asked what they thought others would think, "If people don't think you're a little crazy, you're probably doing it wrong."

They're so right. All of them.

Priorities: checked and balanced. We don't need new floors; we have a roof over our head and warm beds to sleep in. We don't need new furniture. We have empty spaces, but I'd rather those spaces be filled with little people and their things than with more furniture.

We have two boys with medical special needs, which means there will never be a "right time" to do this again. I'm a full time stay at home mom, and one of my main jobs is to keep our schedules up to date with all of our various appointments, procedures, therapies, and extracurriculars. Since I do plan to keep that position for quite awhile, it's a good thing that over time, I've even grown to love my new career. Although sometimes the everyday can be overwhelming, we take things as they come: day by day...and sometimes hour by hour.

We've learned and grown a lot over the last three years, but our biggest, greatest lesson that we keep being reminded of is that God is faithful. Let me be clear: I am not saying bad things don't happen, that loss and pain and fear are absent, but even then, at the core, we know He is still good. It's just as scary for us now as it was three years ago, to say "Okay Lord, You're in control here" and leave everything to Him: whether it be how we will be able to support the addition of this child financially or trusting Him with his or her medical need, or even knowing that He knows our son or daughter who we don't even know yet.

So we've decided we won't keep this quiet. We can't.

We do not want to lead with fear.

We will trust with hope.

Because even after all of our doubts and fears and anxieties, the God of 100 billion galaxies has walked with us every step of the way thus far.

For every time we said we can't, He said I can.

For every time we've said we don't know, He said I have a plan.

For every time we've said we're terrified, He said I am with you.

Make no mistake, we are not special people. We are quite ordinary, following the leading of our extraordinary God. And so, we will trust with the same hope and faith that's carried us thus far. We face many unknowns and uncertainties. We don't have a timeline. We don't know when we will be matched with our child or when we will see his or her face. We don't know his or her special need. We don't know when we will travel. The program has changed drastically from one adoption to the next, but we still believe a part of our family is still in China.

What we do know is that we have a village, a tribe of people surrounding us. We're asking that you join our tribe. We're launching a shirt fundraiser to help pay for our second agency program fee, with an explanation of how we came to arrive at this design later this week. Derek is hard at work making things in his woodshop to supplement our income, if you feel so inclined to buy. We hope to have a joint garage sale in the spring with two other local adoptive families, because we know we need community.

Most of all, as we have always asked you, please pray for our littlest person on the actual other side of the world and for that invisible red thread to bring us together soon.

Our little #weetaniithree.

A Tale of Two Names

I have to admit, Derek and I struggled quite a bit finding a name for Judah. Nothing on "The List" we've carried around and added and subtracted to and from seemed to fit, and we wanted to make sure his name would mean something to him and to us, just as Jordan's does. Having two names that start with a "J" was not planned, simply a coincidence, and we apologize to all of their future teachers. 

Jordan's name was instantaneously easy to decide. For Judah though, we were completely unprepared and had nothing picked out...and nothing we both agreed on. We were even fearful to pick a name while we waited for our pre-approval to come through (which took most of the month of August), just in case we ended up being denied.

What we did know was we wanted a name he wouldn't be ashamed to carry.

That's a weird statement to make, maybe here in the States, but in the country where our boys are from names carry meaning. Some names, given to abandoned children, even point toward the child's difference or special need; and that name given to them as children stays with them for life, branding them, adding to the social stigma of their special need in addition to being an orphan.

For the record, neither of our boys' names given by their orphanages points toward their physical differences. Should they want to be called by those names someday or if they return to their country of birth for work, school, or whatever reason, that's their decision. We'll always make sure they know their full names. Still though, we struggled. Should we keep some of Judah's name and incorporate it into his new one? But we didn't do that for Jordan, so would that matter to Jordan someday? Probably not. What if it did? And so, we were stuck.

Two sons: one with internal differences not seen to the naked eye, and one with more obvious external differences.

Two sons: both with emotional needs and differences that coincide with their physical ones.

Jordan: to honor the choice Derek's birthmother made. Because of her brave decision, Derek's life, my life, Jordan's and Judah's, were forever changed.
Ezekiel: to honor the ones who cared for him as "Zeke", a name meaning God will strengthen.

Judah: praised, to be praised (Hebrew). Praise, because Judah will be an orphan no more, and instead a beloved son in our family. 
Lev: lion (Russian), heart (Hebrew). It might seem odd that our non-heart boy has a name meaning heart, but that was not a mistake. It will hopefully serve as a reminder to him that he's got a lion-sized heart full of brave that will help him in the next few months, and years, as he adjusts to his new life here and learns he can do hard things. We can do hard things. 

Two sons, adopted into our family, as if they were born to us. There is no difference between a biological child and our adopted children. They are just children. Adoption is a physical act, an action, a verb. It is not a definition, a qualifier, an adjective.

It's a part of their history, but it will not be something that forever defines their place in our family.

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him--Romans 8:15-17

Adoption could not be a clearer picture of God's grace. There is nothing, nothing we've done to deserve it, no reason at all why He chose us, but He did. And because of that, we are forever grafted into the family of God as His children and heirs. And we'll continue to shout it until we are blue in the face.

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, you are mine.--Isaiah 43:1b

Jordan Ezekiel, Judah Lev. You are ours. You are God's.

New Years and Red Threads on Red Threads

Exactly two years ago, we celebrated our New Years with what we still affectionately call our "press release." (You can read that here, if you're feeling nostalgic.) We announced to our friends and family our intentions to adopt our first child from China, and although we had no idea of an exact timeline we had hoped and prayed that we would be home with our son or daughter by the end of 2016. Lo and behold, that proved to be true by more than six months!

This post isn't a recap of our adoption process, or a rehash of our 2016--I think we can all agree there are a lot of those floating around and I have no desire to add to that list. However, one thing that I was remiss in showing in its completion was the puzzle piece fundraiser you all so generously donated to in our effort to bring Jordan home. If you want to see it in person, hanging in Jordan's room--and in color--to see where your name is, come on over! Otherwise, here is a photo I took in black and white before we get it framed. (We're very pleased with how it turned out by the way; I was very concerned that the majority of your names or words would be upside down, but they weren't!) I realize it's a little hard to read in the gray scale, but I've never been one to appreciate having my name splashed all over a donation or the internet without forewarning so we kind of made that the rule here too. Plus, again, this gives you a reason to stop on by the house to find your name(s) (and maybe a reason for me to clean it before you come).

You may be wondering though...this looks like the back of the puzzle? You'd be correct. The front of the puzzle looks like this--originally we had an orange one but due to some (ahem) technical difficulties we had to change to the other one we had--which is gray. All 252 pieces were "sold" and have a name, bible verse, or specific wording on the back. The frame will be double sided, so while we will probably display with all the names for Jordan to read some day, he will also be able to choose to view the true meaning of everyone's contribution. Family.
Jiātíng. You helped us build ours, and we're forever grateful, but you also helped a little boy connect with his forever family, which he will also be able to remember for the rest of his life. 

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch of tangle, but will never break. --Chinese proverb

So where does that bring us for 2017? Well, we aren't sure. But maybe you noticed the new little Jordan at the top of the blog holding up a red heart balloon. He's pretty cute, don't you think? I have an awesome sister who does all sorts of graphic stuff for me...but especially when it comes to her future niece/nephew. We know that this next year will be different and some parts harder than others--but can't you say that about any year? What we do know is this: we have hope. We have hope that we'll have answers to a lot of health questions in the next few months. We have hope that Jordan will continue his good health. And maybe most of all, we are hoping that there is another red thread out there, connecting us with a little sister or brother for Jordan. We've been on the waiting child list since about a month or so after we got home (so almost seven months now), and specifically for another heart baby. We are hoping for a match yet within 2017, with possible travel in 2018. That may sound incredibly far away, but remember, it was only two years ago that we announced our intentions for adopting a child who was not yet even born. 

So right now, please join us in our hope for 2017. And pray with us that God will provide as he sees fit. Health, timing, and finances--and especially financially since we will be starting at basically ground zero. As we've been reminded though, throughout the past two years, God's providence is unwavering. He has provided and will provide, as He sees fit for our needs. And join us in praying for our future daughter or son--Jordan's sister or brother (and let's be honest, this kid NEEDS a sibling), who may already be born yet and facing medical needs we have no way of helping at this time.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. Ephesians 3: 20-21

New Years and Red Threads

Happy New Year from the Tanii! 

Above, you will see the Chinese symbol for family. I love the simplicity of it! This is how we chose to tell our families this past Christmas that Lord willing, we have decided to adopt our firstborn child from China. 

Adoption has always, always been important to us. There are many reasons, but most importantly we are adopting because we want to. We want to show a child that he or she is loved and wanted. We want to give a child opportunities that he or she may not (and probably wouldn't) have; things we take for granted, like an education or good health or a safe environment. Ultimately, we want to pass on God's love and mercy to another as He has done for us.

Our family is growing. It may not be the traditional way, and although we've barely made a dent in the process we can already say it is also not the easy way, but we're excited to see what this year and the next will bring us. We welcome your questions and covet your prayers as we begin this journey, and hope that you share our excitement as we move forward!

As always, stay tuned.

An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch of tangle, but will never break. --Chinese proverb