We've Moved!

In order to streamline things a little bit more and have a bit more control over design, etc., you can now find our blog at www.taniilife.com.

This blog will stay here until google tells me it can't, so you can still search for reference, etc. Most of our "bigger" posts I will gradually move over to the other site just in case this disappears someday.

Thanks to anyone who has read this and continues to read!

Looking Another Direction

It's no secret that our family loves the beach, and specifically the beaches along 30A. Every year, we make it a priority to spend a week together at one of the most beautiful stretches of sand in the world (no, really, I think it's in Fodor's or something, even though we still might be a little biased). Of course, the beach town vibes, the food, the shops, the lack of commercialization, the Southern charm, the white sand and warm Gulf coast waters all play major factors in why we choose this location to stop and reset as a family, year after year.

But my favorite part of the each day? My favorite part of each vacation?

Sunset.

Any and each and every sunset, both the time leading up to it and the time just after it goes beyond the horizon. I've never not seen a gorgeous sunset there; and if you're a Pirates of the Caribbean fan, you'll understand the reference when I say we've even witnessed (and recorded) the "green flash". And when the sun finally sets, the bell rings; signalling that the day is done and time to get ready for the next. Clouds or no clouds, the sky is a painting no one could ever replicate, no two the same, and even a photo never compare to seeing God's paintbrush in person.

This year though, when we were watching the sunset in Seaside on our what we anticipated being our last night there as a family of four, I happened to look the other way, and saw something just as beautiful: the reflection of the sunset in the eastern sky. I never considered to look the other way; I was always so focused on the obvious beauty in front of me that I didn't consider the beauty around me.

Adoption can be a lot like that.

At the beginning of this week, we received the shocking news that we could be facing a three year wait time until referral, and three years is what they were hoping for; the possibility that it could be even longer exists. We were also encouraged to look into adoption programs with other countries. I have to admit, I spent a good part of the week angry, confused, and questioning God, His timing, His plan. The added bonus of watching constant content streaming in every feed reminding me that it's National Adoption Month didn't help my state of mind either.

Because obviously, since we're following God's leading, everything should go our way, right?

In the space of 24 hours, we went from having a plan to having no plan. We planned to adopt internationally from the same country again, the same country of our boys' birth, knowing the wait might be a smidge longer but ultimately going the way of our previous two adoption with being matched fairly quickly. Suddenly, a possible three year wait is looming ahead of us, along with the unknowns of could we/should we pursue a different country--a country with a whole new set of rules, a whole new set of documents, a whole new process...a whole new everything.

The only way to describe how we were feeling is that we were standing in front of two doors...but were the doors half-open or half-shut? Which door was half-open? Were they both half-shut? Do we push or pull? Did we, after everything so far, do the wrong thing? Should we change our plans completely? Agencies? Countries? Ages? Throw in the towel altogether? Everything we were assuming we knew was suddenly not true, and we felt sucker punched.

And then we remembered, just like a light bulb went off. The country we were encouraged to pursue is the same country we originally planned to adopt from, before switching to the one we actually adopted from--twice. Talk about a full circle moment.

And look. Just look at how that turned out, even though it wasn't our original plan.

We've been so focused on what was in front of us, the beauty of adoption from where we've been twice before, that we failed to consider beauty anywhere else. Because of these changes, we can open our home to a child from yet a different country, a different culture, a different ethnicity. Our focus wasn't on the end game, providing a child with a home and family. Instead, our focus was on ourselves, and how this affected our own plans for our home and family--while not even being thankful for the family we've been given thus far.

So here we are. It may have taken us a week to process and understand and change our mindset--and yes, mourn a little bit--but we don't have two doors half-closed or closing. We've had lots of questions and answers and Facebook messages and phone calls...and still have some questions that are unanswered. When we're ready or able to, we will answer them. But, we have found out that we can and will apply to two programs simultaneously. Yes, we might be waiting a little longer...or we might not. Yes, we might not know what we're doing...but really, does anyone? Yes, we might have to pay more, or we might not...but what's the balance in our checking account compared to the actual life of a child?

These are the truths we came back to. Our heart for adoption has not changed. We are not alone in this journey. And we'll we have two doors to leave open, looking for the beauty from ashes waiting for us from whatever direction our son or daughter, our boys' brother or sister, comes from; and we'll be greeting them with open hearts and open arms, whenever that may be.

Thursday Thoughts

It's a weird spot to be in, to be a full time family and yet a full time family-in-progress. Yet even in the midst of our adoption news and progress (which is still very much a part of our every day life!), we try still try to keep a perspective that focuses on current family as well. Life has a tendency to keep going, whether you want it to or not, so I thought I'd try to regularly share some of the fun and not so fun things we have going on. I'd like to call this the first installment of Thursday Thoughts...but we'll see how well that goes or catches on.

1. Trees: I don't know what it is about our family and trees, but that crazy windstorm we had this past weekend took out one of our hickory trees on Saturday: the second one since we moved into this house in July. Thankfully, our friends were visiting...well, thankfully for us at least--I don't know how they felt about it. We clearly have a natural proclivity for falling trees, so just beware when you're walking through our yard. Thanks Jansmas, for helping with the tree that so very randomly fell down and provided a great photo op. Derek is especially excited for all the free, nice lumber our yard is providing us with, so in approximately one year or so (or however long it takes the hickory wood to dry, I don't quite get how that works) and you want something made out of hickory, you know where to go. 

2. Sickness: Jordan started school this year and this is Judah's first season experiencing American germs, so I have been anticipating this being our first season to really try and build our immunity up. Derek's Grandma Z. passed away a few weeks ago, and on the way up for the arrangements Jordan literally left our house healthy and 150 miles later needed his albuterol inhaler every few hours. He was the first one sick, and so very kindly shared it with all of us. We have learned though that even sick, Judah still bebops his way through life. Even when Jordan and I were curled up with tissues and blankets and inhalers and antibiotics (Derek took it like a man and didn't go to the doctor), Judah didn't let it get him down. We also learned that Jordan will always get hit harder with whatever colds come our way, but thankfully we were home by the time the worst of it hit and we still were able to stay out of the hospital. It doesn't seem fair sometimes because he has zero restrictions on activity and his heart is doing great, but that's how it is. 

3. The boys: Speaking of Judah always seemingly happy...Judah is almost always laughing about something, and usually that something is whatever silly thing Jordan is doing (when they're getting along at least). Every morning when I get up, they're already up and as soon as I walk out of our room they tell me to go back to bed--usually because they're in the middle of something they probably shouldn't be in...so we have a lot of discussions in our house. And those discussions usually contain the words "we do not play in the toilet water" or "we do not drink from the dog's water bowl". They are busy, curious, sweet boys, and usually not purposefully naughty but test their boundaries and my patience on the daily. Also, color me shocked if Jordan doesn't try out for the drama department or any sort of stage. He has quite the flair for the dramatic. 

4. Behavior Issues: Outside of their typical three year old behavior, we have had some extreme behavior issues with one of our boys. The problem isn't with acting but reacting, and he has a hard time self-regulating. It's a cause of concern for us, because it's beyond typical reactions for a three year old and so we've been seeing a play therapist with him to teach him (and us) tools to help him focus and calm down. It's hard to explain because the only people who see these behaviors are us; no one else has reported anything of the sort when he or they are under others' care. It's a reminder that even with the best of care in China and doing our best with attachment, both of the boys have trauma of some sort (abandonment, medical conditions, etc.) in their background, rooted in fear and anxiety, that their subconscious remembers but their brains cannot keep up with. Thankfully on the especially hard days, Derek is close enough to be able to come home over lunch and help us all reset as a family. On such a day last week, both boys were extremely happy to find out that Derek matched them. Go Team Caterpillar!

5. 11th Anniversary: Last year, Derek and I tried to get away for our 10th wedding anniversary but we turned it into a family vacation somewhat last minute. At the beginning of this year, even knowing Judah wasn't home yet at the time and not knowing when that would be, we made it a priority to make time for a getaway for us this year, and we are running away in a couple weeks. We are thankful for Grandmas and Grandpas and Aunties who are helping watch our boys here so that we can take a time out and reset after an especially busy year and before we add a third child and his/her special needs to our calendar. We told the boys yesterday, and their first reaction was their typical FOMO response (Fear Of Missing Out) and wanted to go on vacation too. However, ruffled feathers were quickly soothed with promises of special time with all the grandparents and aunts and that Daddy and Mommy need vacations too, so that they can be better daddies and mommies.  (Can I get an Amen?)

6. Fundraisers: Currently, we still have FIVE days left for our T-shirt fundraiser! We are so thankful for anyone who has purchased a shirt--either one or eleven--to help us bring home the #weetaniithree! If you're still wanting to purchase a shirt, you can click here. A few have asked if we are doing either an AdoptTogether page like we did last time or applying for any matching grants. We first need to complete our home study to apply for any matching grants, or most grants at all, so once we hear back from those we will let you know! We also are hoping to do a book party fundraiser in November, so you'll be the first to know about that too. Thank you all for your continued support of our family through prayer especially! 

7. Christmas Cookies: Local friends, last year I think we ended up doing this in January, but we are hoping to have a Christmas Cookie exchange at our new house. I am once again using my favorite Christmas cookie picture from our first cookie exchange ever (Jessica L., they were epic), but any type of cookie is welcome. We've never turned one down, I don't think. Once I get my act together, I'll hopefully send out open house type invites for the second weekend in December. It's such a fun time to see people you may not see regularly or meet new ones. Kids are always welcome in this house, so you can choose if you want to want to make it child free or not. Pray for snow too...since we have an awesome yard for sledding.

8. Panera Delivery: Part of moving, and adopting again, has made us evaluate at our finances for obvious reasons, but also change our "go-to" nearby restaurants where we can all eat somewhat healthily for not an obscene amount of money and be satisfied. This is such a first world problem, but when we were all sick last week and no one had much energy, I discovered that the Panera Bread by our house delivers. Friends, this is a game. changer. I didn't know they delivered orders that aren't catered, but they do, and tomato soup and salad was the perfect post-doctor visit meal (and everyone else picked their own favorite comfort food). 

That's about all I can think of currently, at least for today's stream of consciousness. I'm hoping I can at least find some things fun to talk about once a month or so--for our sake so we can record our everyday, but maybe also your enjoyment. Thanks for sticking with us! 

Home

Where we love is home-

Home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts. --Oliver Wendell Holmes

Shortly after welcoming Judah home, we found a house, or shall I say The House, that we knew was what we were looking for in our forever home. We like to say this is the home we will die in, or the home we will live in until our children force us out. It's not huge, it's not updated, and moving certainly wasn't on our summer to-do list, but it's exactly right for us--both now and in the future.

Except we have two 3 year olds, one who doesn't like change and another who faced an incredible amount of change in a very short period of time.

Explaining that we were moving to a new house, driving past the new house, even going on the inspection of the new house still didn't prepare them for what moving from one house to another would be like. Even now, if I'm out with them running errands, one of them will still ask "Are we going to the new house?" as if the old house is still an option.

Then we went on a couple vacations, had a couple hospital stays/trips, and had some family stuff come up, and Derek and I would make the mistake of saying "We're going to head home", meaning "We're going to head back to wherever we're sleeping."

Again, our two 3 year olds don't understand that, and assume we are headed home to the house we live in.

So we did some quick thinking, and now when we are out of town or not sleeping in our house, and say we are headed home, we ask just these three questions if they are confused:

Are you a part of a family?
Are we a family?
Are we your family?

Once their answers are yes, always yes, our next sentence is "Home is wherever our family is."

It's simple, it's basic, it's age appropriate...but it is also true.

Whether we are in our house, on vacation, in a hotel room or in a hospital room, we are a family. We are together, and that means we're home. Family is home, and home is family.

But sometimes, because of circumstances we can't control, families aren't together. Sometimes a family member is sick and in the hospital, whether for a quick or extended stay. Sometimes, a beloved family member, no matter the age, has passed on, going Home to where they are healed and whole. And sometimes, someone's family is working hard, waiting, praying for them to come home and to be a part of a family, to be a part of their family.

I think we can all relate to at least one of those instances. That's what inspired the design of these shirts. For us, a member of our family isn't home yet. For a little person on the other side of the world, he or she is still waiting for a home and a family.

If you would like to purchase a shirt that says Home is where Family is, you can click here, the photo of the t-shirt above, or the t-shirt photo on the blog's homepage. By doing so, you'll help us bring home our newest and youngest--and yet unknown--family member.

We have set a high goal of selling 100 shirts, and we hope and pray we can meet that goal. We have a variety of colors and options available, for children and adults. If you've made a purchase, you should have your new shirts by the middle of November. Thank you, very much, to each of you who has bought a shirt so far, and to those of you who have donated on top of purchasing a shirt. Thanks for being a part of our family.

Wee Tanii Three

This past April, we told ourselves "Let's take some time. Let's have a normal summer, maybe even a normal, no surprises, ordinary year. Let's not do anything rash." I think we even wrote about it, if you go back far enough.

Because, to stay as honest as we've always promised you, that's what we wanted. Normalcy. No penny pinching, no sleepless nights, no doubts. A one way ticket to easy street. We earned it, right?

Yet tonight here we are, one month after our application approval to adopt our third child from China, because, truth be told, deep down that easy street ticket wasn't sitting well. Uncomfortable. A nudge that wouldn't go away. Wrong even.

As soon as we hit submit, we felt the familiar feelings of excitement and anticipation. Planning out bedrooms and sleeping arrangements (bunk beds!), who will travel (can we all???), and even what vacations will look like, ways we can cut costs and budget and look for support for this adoption.

Within a few hours though, a funny thing happened that I can't say I remember feeling before. All of the doubts and fears and selfishness that had made us say "Let's wait awhile" months earlier came rushing back with a vengeance, and so we decided not to say anything to anyone.

Do we still replace the 33 year old HVAC in our new home?
What about the flooring I wanted?
Can we still paint the walls? 
What about our boys and their current medical needs?
What about our previous and various commitments?
How will we pay for this?

What will people say?
What will they think?
Will they even care?

If you're just tuning in, you'll quickly learn this is our third time starting the adoption process in three years. Everything was so new and exciting throughout the entire process of the adoption of our oldest son that it felt surreal, like a real adventure, from the beginning of our home study to landing at the airport.

The process of adopting our younger son was a bit harder. There were many roadblocks, delays, and changes to the program; yet, because of God's timing we ended up being grandfathered in, so that other than waiting for all the  appropriate approvals, we were able to continue on and eight months after receiving our approval we welcomed home our next son.

Over the last two and a half years, because of adoption, because of our boys and their needs, because of our own heart change, we have felt aspects of our lives change and priorities rearrange and friendships evolve. It would be wrong to admit that we don't mourn what used to be, but if we hadn't said yes, if we had missed this, we would have not found a community of adoptive families that can relate, families that have been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt (and I mean that both literally and figuratively). Families that, by the time Judah came home just shy of two years after bringing home Jordan, had become the kind of friends we could text at 2am and they'd be up for a conversation.

Our tribe. Our village. Our people.

And so it was to these friends, both near and far, that we first tentatively spoke to about adopting again, to gauge their reactions, still with the intention of keeping this quiet to our extended friends and family because of our fears.

And it was those beautiful souls who affirmed us with a resounding YES. Who volunteered to be travel companions (we now have a wait list). Who offered encouragement and prayers right then. Who volunteered to help however and whenever they could. Who understood what we meant when we said our family didn't feel complete, that we are missing someone.

Who told us, when we asked what they thought others would think, "If people don't think you're a little crazy, you're probably doing it wrong."

They're so right. All of them.

Priorities: checked and balanced. We don't need new floors; we have a roof over our head and warm beds to sleep in. We don't need new furniture. We have empty spaces, but I'd rather those spaces be filled with little people and their things than with more furniture.

We have two boys with medical special needs, which means there will never be a "right time" to do this again. I'm a full time stay at home mom, and one of my main jobs is to keep our schedules up to date with all of our various appointments, procedures, therapies, and extracurriculars. Since I do plan to keep that position for quite awhile, it's a good thing that over time, I've even grown to love my new career. Although sometimes the everyday can be overwhelming, we take things as they come: day by day...and sometimes hour by hour.

We've learned and grown a lot over the last three years, but our biggest, greatest lesson that we keep being reminded of is that God is faithful. Let me be clear: I am not saying bad things don't happen, that loss and pain and fear are absent, but even then, at the core, we know He is still good. It's just as scary for us now as it was three years ago, to say "Okay Lord, You're in control here" and leave everything to Him: whether it be how we will be able to support the addition of this child financially or trusting Him with his or her medical need, or even knowing that He knows our son or daughter who we don't even know yet.

So we've decided we won't keep this quiet. We can't.

We do not want to lead with fear.

We will trust with hope.

Because even after all of our doubts and fears and anxieties, the God of 100 billion galaxies has walked with us every step of the way thus far.

For every time we said we can't, He said I can.

For every time we've said we don't know, He said I have a plan.

For every time we've said we're terrified, He said I am with you.

Make no mistake, we are not special people. We are quite ordinary, following the leading of our extraordinary God. And so, we will trust with the same hope and faith that's carried us thus far. We face many unknowns and uncertainties. We don't have a timeline. We don't know when we will be matched with our child or when we will see his or her face. We don't know his or her special need. We don't know when we will travel. The program has changed drastically from one adoption to the next, but we still believe a part of our family is still in China.

What we do know is that we have a village, a tribe of people surrounding us. We're asking that you join our tribe. We're launching a shirt fundraiser to help pay for our second agency program fee, with an explanation of how we came to arrive at this design later this week. Derek is hard at work making things in his woodshop to supplement our income, if you feel so inclined to buy. We hope to have a joint garage sale in the spring with two other local adoptive families, because we know we need community.

Most of all, as we have always asked you, please pray for our littlest person on the actual other side of the world and for that invisible red thread to bring us together soon.

Our little #weetaniithree.

These Hands

In less than two weeks, this very special handprint will forever change. These hands that at first had us wondering what help would be needed, what adaptations would need to be made, what limitations would be set, have since proven to be so very capable. You may have heard that ten fingers are overrated, and I have to agree.

A few moms of kids with limb differences have asked me in the past week or so how I'm feeling about this upcoming surgery. And my answer is the same to all of them: I feel weird. 

All of the specialists and therapists and professionals we have seen are so excited about the potential they see. There are growth plates in every bone, so once all surgeries are completed, if all goes well the separated fingers should grow proportionately to the hands. The right hand will have at least three full digits, including the thumb, and the left will have all five, albeit short, fingers. The tips will no longer turn blue because of lack of circulation. The scar tissue that's building up on one hand will be eliminated. When everything's said and done, the end result will give optimum use of each digit and both hands.

That's the clinical version. 

But why do I feel so weird? Maybe it's because I know how capable Judah is already. He requires no assistance with getting dressed, putting on shoes, using the bathroom, eating, holding a pen or crayon, setting or clearing a table, making a bed, or any number of things that those of us with ten fingers also do without thinking. He has never, ever let this stop him or hold him back. If you ask him for a high five, prepare to get knocked back a few steps because of the sheer power he puts into it. 

To hear things like "he shows so much potential" honestly makes me cringe, because to me, it almost sounds like his accomplishments are being downplayed, that his difference is a qualifier. I never want to minimize what he's already capable of. I never want my kids to be defined by their differences. 

This will be Judah's first surgery of an unknown number. His actual diagnosis is bilateral amniotic banding, or amniotic banding of both hands. His right hand will be operated on first, with outpatient occupational therapy for the next few months. His left hand will require multiple reconstructive surgeries, which we will schedule at a later date. Ironically, because when you're a medical mom, you think of strange things like Judah will have more surgeries before the age of five than Jordan will (Lord willing). 

The biggest reason I feel weird is I love his little hands. I love holding them, and how he holds mine back. And it hurts to know that he's going to be in pain, confused, and scared. It's common for kids who have surgeries such as these to be afraid of what their new normal looks like, and I don't want that for him. He's come so far from the boy who had to be carried into the house just six months ago, who wouldn't take off his shoes and stood in the corner, who just stared at me for weeks when we'd have one on one time. I don't want to think of the possibility of even an ounce of that regression. 

Because now? Judah is the heart of our family. He keeps us laughing, because have you ever met a three year old who can moonwalk? Exactly. He knows when to hug (and he gives good ones), he gives huge smacking kisses on your cheek and insists on a return, and smiling is his full time job. 

Yet, when we submitted our paperwork, Judah's Letter of Intent, we signed our names under these special promises: 

[Judah Lev's] medical care will remain our highest priority...in order for [Judah] to reach his highest potential. We, Derek and Mary, will love [Judah] as our own son. We will never mistreat, abuse, or abandon him. We promise to love him, care for him, and always provide for his needs. We are excited and eager to welcome [Judah] into our family and to provide a happy and loving home for him. 

And we will keep that promise. It is our joy and honor to help him reach his highest potential, and that potential is not defined by his physical differences but by how we raise him. Medically, physically, this is something we need to do because yes, it will benefit him in the long run. But emotionally? Spiritually? That's what counts the most. 

So yes, weird is how I'm feeling. Will you pray with us that Judah's surgery will go well, that his recovery will be easy, quick, and smooth, and that he will keep be-bopping his way through life?

Judah's surgery will be at Shriner's Hospitals for Children, St. Louis on October 2. I will be staying home with Jordan, who is starting school next week and for his own reasons needs to maintain a routine, while Derek travels with Judah. If you would like to follow along for Judah's surgery and recovery, you can do so here. As always, thank you for the prayers, love, care, and support you have shown our family in countless ways over the past two years. We appreciate it more than you'll know. 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalm 139:14-16

The Skin We're In

"Mom! Mom!! I'm in that movie!"

We were watching a short clip about Chinese culture a few weeks ago, and admittedly I was zoned out when suddenly I heard my oldest say he was in that movie. Before anyone jumps to the conclusion of negligent parenting and not screening what they watch, Derek and I had both watched the video previously and thought the boys might like it. They did like it (it was about food, after all)...but I can assure you, they also were not in it.

My son is three and a half, going on fifteen. I know I'm his mom, so there's a little bias, but sometimes he shows a maturity that I don't expect. He wasn't actually saying he was in the movie, but he was noticing that the people in the video looked like him, and that's how his three year old brain expressed that to us. Not having expected that comment, I simply said "No, you aren't in the movie, but the people in the movie are Chinese, just like you." End of story.

Since then, if someone is watching a clip on culture or looking at photos, both of the boys now ask "Is that me? Is that my brother?" and I know they know it's not them. Each time, I say "No, that man/woman/boy/girl is Chinese, just like you." And for a week or two, that was enough.

But like I said, my older son is very observant. He's starting to notice differences more than his brother, and it's just one more thing in a laundry list of items that have recently bothered him.

"Mom, are your eyes blue? What color are my eyes?"
"Mom, do I have a brave scar?"
"Mom, did I live in China?
"Mom, did you come get me?"

Three years ago, to prepare for international adoption, Derek and I took numerous required classes to equip us with answers for when these inevitable questions came. Some of the important takeaways were (1) to always be honest but also (2) to keep our answers age appropriate.

"Yes, my eyes are blue. Daddy's are light brown. Your eyes are dark brown. Judah's are dark brown."
"Yes, you have a brave scar."
"Yes, you were born in China."
"Yes, Mommy and Daddy flew in an airplane to China where you lived to bring you home with us."

The other important takeaway? To read between the lines.

"Mom, why am I different?"
"Mom, what happened to me?"
"Mom, why was I not with you?"
"Mom...you really love me?"

These. These are the real questions he's subconsciously asking and not even realizing it. He's only three and a half, but his brain is in overdrive trying to make sense of things that may never make sense. If you were to read a child psychology book about typical anxieties in children and the ages they start to present, these fears that he's displaying are above and beyond what he is capable of understanding at his age, which makes for even more fear and anxiety. 

And the answers? They change depending on what he needs. Sometimes the answers just mean extra play time or hugs. Sometimes we use simple picture books to help reinforce simple truths, like all the cool things skin can do and all the colors it comes in, or books that remind us that we're a family, and families stick together. And sometimes Derek and I know we are out of our realm of expertise and look to the professionals to help us help them. This has made us once again batten down the hatches a little, so to speak, to give him (and really both of them) time to adjust and find their footing.

Our boys have beautiful brown skin and the darkest, brightest eyes. One has a giant dimple and the other has the most mischievous grin. One has a brave scar with a unique heartbeat and the other has special and oh so very capable hands. Now, just now, they're starting to realize these differences...not in others, but in themselves. One little girl asked one of our boys what that thing was on his chest. A high five for the other turns into a fist bump, because the other has suddenly realized he can't open and close his hand. These were the moments as parents we knew were coming, but it still hurts to hear and see. Yet, when we hear answers simply stated like "my brave scar" and see the flash of a dimple when a fist bump turns into a super cool handshake...those are the moments we pray they remember: the victories in the differences.

Our boys need to be secure in their identity. Part of that is knowing their background, their history, their ethnicity and culture. However, a much bigger part of that is knowing where they fit in. That scary things can or have happened, but we, as their parents, will be there to help them to the best of our ability. That this family loves each other and celebrates all of our differences. That they will always, always be a part of this family.

That they can know that God gave them this skin they're in, that they will know who they are, and who loves them.

Yuán Fèn

Yuán Fèn: fate

When Derek was in country this last time adopting Judah, one of his guides explained the circumstances of his own birth, and how it was determined to be yuán fèn for him to be born. He explained that's why he loves what he does as a guide helping adoptive families, and that many people view the adoption of these children as yuán fèn/fate--or for a more accurate translation predestined by a supernatural power.

Now, I've asked a of couple people in order to fact check if yuán fèn is ever associated with adoption, and I've received mixed reviews. However, I can at least confirm that culturally, it's incredibly important. Fate is not a word we as Christians necessarily believe in, but predestined? That's a word we're familiar with. While the culture in our sons' country of birth does not acknowledge the Biblical meaning of the word predestination, it's an easy jump for us to accept that our sons were predestined to be ours by God, orchestrated before we could even begin to imagine.

We know a time is coming soon when we'll have to explain in a way for Jet and Jude to understand why they don't live with their China moms, also called their first families, meaning the families they were born to. Jet is already starting to make assumptions based on what he knows so far: he and Jude were born in China; therefore, babies come from China. We know the grieving and mourning and confusion that may, or most likely will, occur when they realize what adoption means. And we will never, ever take for granted the gift, the honor, of raising these two boys, and any more that come after, for however long God ordains.

When the time comes that they want or need to know their full stories, we will be ready to explain it to them. We do realize it's a bit of a stretch, using a word, a concept, that's culturally associated with fate and luck to explain they're exactly where God wants them to be; but what an amazing tool we have been given, to not only use this to explain their own adoptions, but also to use is to explain the mystery of the Gospel!

For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified. --Romans 8:29-30

We don't know why we were chosen to be, or why these boys were chosen to call us Mom and Dad...but they were. We don't know why God chose us while we were yet sinners (Rom. 5: 6-8) to be justified, to be sanctified, and to be one day glorified as children of God. It's one of the greatest mysteries and, dare I say, most contested parts of the Bible, but it's something we believe with every fiber of our beings and are thankful for everyday--and praying for the days that Jet and Jude understand that they too can become children of God.

But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God. --John 1:12-13

Years before we even discussed adoption, I knew in my heart it was something I wanted to do-and thankfully Derek did too. For whatever reason, we never really pictured our own biological children or pursued it in depth. In my naivety, I may not have understood fully the concept of adoption until I read into these verses. We've done nothing for God to have chosen us as his sons and daughters, but praise God, we can call him Father because of His sacrificial love for us.

These boys are not biologically mine or Derek's, but through yuán fèn, fate, predestination...they are our children.

And they call me Mom.

"A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." -Jody Landers

First Birthday

Today we celebrated Judah's 3rd birthday, and his first birthday with us. I'd love to hear some of your birthday traditions, because every family is different and I know some families have some pretty cool ones. In our house, we get birthday breakfast cookies from Trefzger's (or birthday cake pops from Starbucks if that's what's requested instead), and try to spend the day doing things the birthday person would like. No one here lasts long enough to wait until after dinner for birthday cake, so after Derek gets home from work we open gifts and eat dinner sized portions of said cake. That probably isn't the smartest idea for our now officially two three year old boys, but they weren't complaining.

But as many adoptive parents know, birthdays can have hard parts mixed in with the fun. A conglomeration of emotions that as parents have us swinging from high to low all day long, leaving us knowing that someday all the questions circling in our minds now our kids will ask as they come to understand what "adopted" means. Since we're all about keeping things even here, I know I wrote a letter to Jordan on his second birthday and first with us, and I'll also share what I wrote for Judah, too. 

Dear Judah, 

Today was your very first birthday with us. You've been an official member of our family for only 58 days, home for less, and yet in that short time you've come so far. When you first got home, you clung like an octopus to us any time we took you out of the house, and, while those moments still occur when you're in an unfamiliar space, you now are comfortable enough to push our hand away and run ahead sometimes, trusting that we will follow you, and we will. The glimpses of personality you showed on your Family Day are now completely you. We love your righteous sense of justice and strong will. You may just be the silliest one in the family, but your compassion and affection for others is the most special thing about you. (Personally, I also appreciate your incredible neatness, and how you keep us all in check if we leave something out of place. Our house has never been cleaner.) You continually surprise us with your accomplishments; you don't let your difference stand in your way. 

We watched you today as you carefully opened each present, and they weren't much: a board book, a picture book, a puzzle, and a shapes game, but to you? They were precious. Each scrap of wrapping paper was carefully handed to me before you moved on to the next, and you were in awe of each and every gift. Amazed at the things that are now only yours, just Judah's. It's hard right now, because there are probably so many things you want to tell us and we don't understand, but I think, or hope, that we got your special day right for you. 

When I went to post pictures, I used a hashtag #wecouldhavemissedthis. (If you read this someday and don't know what a hashtag is, you can make fun of us for our archaic social media skills. Obviously your mom still blogs like it's 2007.) It's a somewhat overused and cliche saying by adoptive parents that means we could have missed out on days like today, eating cake pops and picking dandelions and birthday celebrations, if we hadn't adopted you. Except, it's so very true. We could have missed this. We could have missed you. 

But it makes us remember that there are still things missed, or people missing them. We missed most of the first three years of your life. Were you a happy baby, or a stubborn one? Big or little? When did you take your first steps? Did anyone hold you when you cried? What was your favorite toy? Who was your favorite person? Have you had a birthday party before? Is this your actual birth date? We can fill in some of the blanks thanks to pictures, some of the other parents who adopted your friends that were like brothers, and the updates we got periodically...but nothing is definite, and some things we will never know. These are the questions we expect you'll ask us as you get older, and we'll all have to understand that "we don't know" is the answer. You don't have to be okay with not knowing, because sometimes we aren't either. 

The biggest question though isn't really a question. Your dad and I can say "we could have missed this", which is very true, but there are two people who really are missing this. Missing every silly dance and cheesy grin, your little strut when you know you're right about something, your scraped knees (you've got some good ones on) and elbows and somehow your foot too, sicky snuggles, and all your extra hugs and kisses every night. Yesterday, when I went to leave your room before nap and close the door, you softly called out "love you" before I could, shocking me silent for a moment. After I shut the door I was so torn, wishing to share that moment with your China mom, yet selfishly thankful I got to experience it, but overall sad for all you've lost. 

Adoption comes from brokenness, and it leaves so many holes and questions and scars and wounds. We don't have the answers; we'll do our very best to fill in all the missing pieces and support you in every way if and when you want to find more. We'll love your scars, and as new sore spots or wounds open up we'll do our best to heal those too. 

The most important thing though we want you to know is that yes, we could have missed you...but we didn't. You, Judah Lev, are living proof of God's plan even if sometimes you don't feel like it. Sometimes, when I don't understand why something happened, or why things have to be a certain way, I repeat over and over to myself "God is God, and I am not" until I know in my head and my heart that God is in control, He has the answers, and I don't and/or won't, but I can go to Him for comfort. Maybe to some people that's not enough, but we hope and pray that will be enough for you when you have those moments too. You are so very capable, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. 

Happy 3rd, Judah. We love you. 

Hints of Spring

This really has been the never ending winter, hasn't it? I'm not a winter girl (I ask Derek to look for warmer climate jobs every December); and sorry, I can take or leave a PSL and apple picking in the fall isn't my thing either. I do love a long summer, but by far, spring is my favorite season. Everything is fresh and new and clean and smells pretty and green and alive. I start bugging Derek about seeing buds on trees, "Did you see?? I think the tree across the street has buds on it." And he humors me, because one 40 degree day in February does not a budding tree make, "yeah, I'm sure it won't be long now." I need those hints of spring to remind myself that yes, winter does end.

I noticed yesterday our little flowering bush that we planted seven or eight years ago has leaves and buds on it, even though it's been snowed on more times than we thought it would survive, and for sure I didn't think it would survive this long winter. Our neighbor has the same one, and every year, hers blooms much sooner and longer than ours does. Here it is though, the little shrub that could. It's finally getting ready to show us its pretty purple flowers.

After what seemed like the longest winter possible, both of our boys are home napping and I'm sitting on the couch with the windows open and listening to the birds and enjoying the peace and the quiet and the fresh air before reality sets in again. I'm soaking in the hints of our actual, physical spring to remind myself that our family's spring is coming. 

Because how we're feeling right now? It's like we're in some never ending winter season. 

Hi. It's been awhile. We're still here. We're still in the thick of it.

Sometimes, we feel like we've been in the thick of it for almost two years. After all, it's been almost two years since we brought Jet home, and how quickly we forget how unprepared and inexperienced and scared we were during those first months that seem like just one long blur until his discharge after his heart surgery. It wasn't what we expected, and of course it wasn't what we wanted, but God had other plans.

Feeling pretty confident, we barely waited a day after Jet was cleared after his surgery before we full speed ahead hopped right back into our adoption plan again...expecting a longer wait before being matched again...but God had other plans. 

I know it seems like an exaggeration, and that you've heard it before, but I have paper (or I guess electronic) evidence that one day we were told it would be a 12-24 month wait for the special needs I inquired about and the very next day we got the call that there was a little boy available that fit our profile, with a special need we hadn't even considered because the likelihood of a match seemed low, but God had other plans. 

Judah has been home for almost a month, and for us adults, the adjustment period is a bit easier. Our minds are capable of understanding these changes. Sometimes, we don't like them, or are frustrated with them, but we can understand them. But for our two three year olds? They could use some time yet, both of them. Adoption is not natural, so how can we expect an easy transition for something that comes from brokenness? We can't. 

So when we're low on patience and sleep, when our older son is so overstimulated he's up until midnight or is so frustrated he loses the ability to communicate, when our younger son is refusing a hug or when he stands in the corner because he doesn't understand the meaning of "no" and refuses to join the family, we have to look for our hints of Spring. 

• Two years ago, neither of our boys were home. 
• One year ago, Jordan was still sedated more than a week after his open heart surgery with no immediate plan to extubate. 
• Six months ago, we got to go on a family vacation and received the news we would *not* have to wait to adopt Judah due to policy changes. 
• Six weeks ago, we were still a family of three. 
• Two weeks ago, we were awake at night longer than we were sleeping.
• One week ago we started to actively put a plan in place to help both of them deal with their feelings.
• Three days ago, Judah chose to sit next to me with his books instead of in a chair by himself for over an hour. 
• Yesterday, both boys played basketball and sung along to The Song of the Cebu (it's very catchy; they get their taste from their mom). Athletic and artistic, we keep them well-rounded.  
• This morning, they both ate their breakfast, and second and third breakfasts...Jet didn't choke on a single thing, and Judah was picky--milestones for both of their respective developmental progress. 

And we don't forget the meals, the encouragement, the prayers, and the affirmations of friendship over the past years and months and weeks, especially this past. It would be and sometimes is very easy as adoptive parents to feel misunderstood, isolated, and lonely, but these brief interactions have showed us that we are not any of those things to our friends (and family) who love us. 

Every year my poor little shrub has stubbornly held off, long enough that I start to think that this was the winter that finally ended it,yet it still surprises me every year. Last year, at a brief glance it held not even a hint of flowering the morning Jordan went in for his heart surgery, and yet the day of his discharge was the first day it started to bloom. Even though sometimes we don't feel like we're making progress as a family, we know we just need to look a little harder. We have full confidence that with time, both of our boys will blossom into their full potential as individuals, as sons, and as brothers. 

We have no idea what the future holds for us. Derek and I are looking forward to a our kind of normal year with no expectations except the anticipated (and let's be honest, maybe a few unanticipated) doctor appointments, spring soccer, maybe a baseball game, a family vacation, some yard work, some house work...normal things that we've put off for going on two years. 

But God might have other plans. 

Once Again, Family and Friends

Dear Family and Friends:

We are so close to having Travel Approval and a departure date to bring home Judah! February is going to be a very busy month for our family because of both of our boys keeping us busy, so we thought we'd post this now while we still have a chance. You might remember a similar post prior to our departure to leave to bring Jordan home almost two years ago. We thought we would write something similar, and ask that you read through it once again to understand how you can help us in the coming weeks and months! 

Regarding our homecoming: 

I know a number of people have asked about meeting Derek and Judah at the airport--something that we were unable to do with Jet because of extra special circumstances--and we would love it if you would join us at the PIA. Please follow along on Judah's Facebook page where I will be posting the flight information as well as daily updates while Derek, his dad, and Judah are in China. We hope you'll follow along for the actual journey, and this time I'll be updating the page here in States so you won't have to stay up late or get up early to check for new posts. In fact, this will be the last post here for awhile so you'll have to rely on Facebook/Instagram for any updates.    

Just like last time, we ask that in the airport you please do not touch or show affection to Judah as well as limit direct eye contact and communication with him. This is even more important this time around since Judah is a bit older than Jordan was when we brought him home, plus he'll have had a lot of new experiences in a very short period of time that could cause him to be overstimulated and scared, in addition to being exhausted from traveling. I know some of you are huggers, and please, feel free to hug anyone you want--just not Judah! If you want to bring balloons, signs, or gifts, please check in with me first so Derek and I can decide if we think it would be too much or okay for Judah. Given that the boys will each be around three years old, there's a good chance that both of them will vaguely remember this day and we want to make sure they remember it as a exciting and fun time and not scary and overwhelming. 

In fact, please also understand that even last minute, we may decide to keep our homecoming quiet and private, pending how Judah is doing. Again, the Facebook page will have that information. 

Please keep reading to find out how you can help us in the coming weeks...

Derek and I (and Jet) are very thankful once again for the love and support you have all show us thus far. We are so excited to become an official family of four, as this process has been much, much longer than our first time around and we know how excited you all are for us as well! We also recognize the changes coming our way, for all four of us, and once again we'd appreciate your help and support in the future to make Judah's transition into our family complete. 

While some of the ways we parent will be the same as parenting biological children, both to siblings and new additions, there will also be some differences. We realize these methods may be unfamiliar to you or even strange, but we ask that you respect our decisions. We've discussed this at length with our social worker, due to the boys' similar ages, and it is not our desire to cause any hurt feelings (because there will be feelings hurt) but we can all agree that we want what's best for both boys--boys who are old enough to recognize changes but not mature enough to properly handle them emotionally. 

Our main priorities are two-fold:

1. We need Judah to feel safe and secure in his new environment and learn to trust us both as his new parents. 
   
2. We need to make sure, especially given the closeness in their age, that Jordan does not feel left out or replaced.

Because of these, again as mentioned, many ways we parent may seem strange to you. One big reason for doing things this way is because Judah will trust us only to an extent to meet his basic physical needs. Please remember, however, that just like a newborn and caregiver are starting from the very beginning, we too are starting at the "beginning" with Judah. Adoption is traumatizing regardless of age. Within a fifteen(ish) day time span, Judah will have left the only home he's ever known, where he shared a room with ten to twenty other children and rarely left the facility's grounds, to meeting his dad, staying in a hotel, lots of appointments, lots of flights and train rides both in country and back to the States, new foods, new smells, new clothes, and a different language. Judah needs to know that we, as his parents, are his constant and will be the ones to meet his needs, whatever they may be.

We are firm believers that attachment begins the minute your son or daughter is handed to you. Even in China, Derek will be the one to see to Judah's needs while Derek's dad will be, as we like to tease him, a glorified baggage handler with no tips. Once they are home, we will be limiting visitors and Judah's interactions with new people and experiences. In fact, for the first few weeks that he's home he won't be leaving the house. If you do plan to help us in any way or visit, as some of you have already volunteered (thank you!) please text or call us first so we can decide how to proceed. After those first few weeks or more if he needs them are up, we will slowly start to introduce him to new experiences and people. For example, we may attempt church on a Sunday, and if that goes well maybe get groceries on Monday. If not, then we'll stay put for a few days and try again when we feel he's ready. There is no timeline or agenda.

Another way things might seem strange to you is that at times, it may seem like we don't discipline the boys. I promise you, that is not and will not be the case. However, unless Judah (or Jordan) is a danger to himself or others, we will not be enforcing typical rules that you may have in place for your kids who have always lived with you and have trusted you since birth. Things that typically we would even call Jordan out on we may let slide for a short while. In Judah's case, he is only just learning how to live in a family--so how can we expect certain behaviors and rules to be obeyed if he's never experienced them before? We also ask that you do not discipline or correct either of our kids (again, unless they are a danger to themselves or others around them) so that we can establish a trust relationship between all four of us with no resentment. If you do see a questionable behavior, please bring it to Derek's or my attention to handle. 

Judah may seem like a friendly, outgoing, affectionate, and extroverted kid. This is very common for kids who are raised in an institution, but in addition, if his file is indeed correct, both he and Jordan have that special extrovert gene. This is why it's especially important for you to please remember that when you do come into contact with Judah, he may ask you for a snack or to be picked up or read to or any number of things, and--here is the hard part--please do not do what he asks and redirect him to us, his parents.

That's right.

Go against everything that you know to be true and right in this world and do not help the cute little boy with dimples. This rule applies to everyone, no matter your relationship to us and/or him. We know what we are asking, and how hard it will be for some of you, but there is no way for us to know what is Judah's personality vs. what could be a display of typical orphanage behavior. Children in orphanages are used to going to an adult, any adult, and asking for what they need. Not only does Judah need to learn who his parents are and more importantly, what parents do, Derek and I also need to learn about and bond with our son as well.

Before Judah accepts anything--food, affection, toys or gifts--from others, he needs to accept them from both of us. If you do have something you wish to give him, we ask that you wait or that you give it to one of us to screen when an appropriate time would be to give it, no matter how small or large the item. Thank you to those of you who have already done so. He has lived with very little to call his own, and the last thing we want is for him to be overwhelmed with toys and gifts. On the other hand, and this might be the only time we'll say this because it goes against everything we've ever said, this would be an excellent time to affirm Jordan and his place in the family should you still feel the need to shower anyone with gifts.

We realize what we are asking, and that it might seem crazy to you. Again, we have no timeline or agenda. Some children can be well-adjusted within a few months and some may take a year or more--regardless of age! However extreme, all we want is to do whatever is best for Judah and Jordan to make sure they both feel secure in their place in our family. If you're not sure about something, just ask us. Derek or I won't be far away from either of them, or easily reachable, so we'll be happy to answer any of your questions. Some things we might relax right away, and others not, but we have no way of knowing until we are reunited and living together as a family of four. It's a gradual process, full of two steps forward and one step back, but our hope is that it will be so gradual that no one will even notice the tiny changes, and that on Judah's timeline, he will be a happy and well-adjusted little boy who knows he has family and friends who love him, just as Jordan is.

By no means are we implying that we are experts on the subject of attachment. I'm pretty positive that there will be times we mess up, but--in addition to everything else we are already asking you--please show us some grace? We'd like to think we've learned a few things from last time, but every child is different, no matter how they join your family and adjustments always need to be made. If you want to read further about our crazy ways, I'm happy to suggest a number of resources that have been written by psychologists, social workers, and adoptive parents.

Thank you all very much for your understanding and help while we get used to our new normal as a family of four!