Once Again, Family and Friends

Dear Family and Friends:

We are so close to having Travel Approval and a departure date to bring home Judah! February is going to be a very busy month for our family because of both of our boys keeping us busy, so we thought we'd post this now while we still have a chance. You might remember a similar post prior to our departure to leave to bring Jordan home almost two years ago. We thought we would write something similar, and ask that you read through it once again to understand how you can help us in the coming weeks and months! 

Regarding our homecoming: 

I know a number of people have asked about meeting Derek and Judah at the airport--something that we were unable to do with Jet because of extra special circumstances--and we would love it if you would join us at the PIA. Please follow along on Judah's Facebook page where I will be posting the flight information as well as daily updates while Derek, his dad, and Judah are in China. We hope you'll follow along for the actual journey, and this time I'll be updating the page here in States so you won't have to stay up late or get up early to check for new posts. In fact, this will be the last post here for awhile so you'll have to rely on Facebook/Instagram for any updates.    

Just like last time, we ask that in the airport you please do not touch or show affection to Judah as well as limit direct eye contact and communication with him. This is even more important this time around since Judah is a bit older than Jordan was when we brought him home, plus he'll have had a lot of new experiences in a very short period of time that could cause him to be overstimulated and scared, in addition to being exhausted from traveling. I know some of you are huggers, and please, feel free to hug anyone you want--just not Judah! If you want to bring balloons, signs, or gifts, please check in with me first so Derek and I can decide if we think it would be too much or okay for Judah. Given that the boys will each be around three years old, there's a good chance that both of them will vaguely remember this day and we want to make sure they remember it as a exciting and fun time and not scary and overwhelming. 

In fact, please also understand that even last minute, we may decide to keep our homecoming quiet and private, pending how Judah is doing. Again, the Facebook page will have that information. 

Please keep reading to find out how you can help us in the coming weeks...

Derek and I (and Jet) are very thankful once again for the love and support you have all show us thus far. We are so excited to become an official family of four, as this process has been much, much longer than our first time around and we know how excited you all are for us as well! We also recognize the changes coming our way, for all four of us, and once again we'd appreciate your help and support in the future to make Judah's transition into our family complete. 

While some of the ways we parent will be the same as parenting biological children, both to siblings and new additions, there will also be some differences. We realize these methods may be unfamiliar to you or even strange, but we ask that you respect our decisions. We've discussed this at length with our social worker, due to the boys' similar ages, and it is not our desire to cause any hurt feelings (because there will be feelings hurt) but we can all agree that we want what's best for both boys--boys who are old enough to recognize changes but not mature enough to properly handle them emotionally. 

Our main priorities are two-fold:

1. We need Judah to feel safe and secure in his new environment and learn to trust us both as his new parents. 
   
2. We need to make sure, especially given the closeness in their age, that Jordan does not feel left out or replaced.

Because of these, again as mentioned, many ways we parent may seem strange to you. One big reason for doing things this way is because Judah will trust us only to an extent to meet his basic physical needs. Please remember, however, that just like a newborn and caregiver are starting from the very beginning, we too are starting at the "beginning" with Judah. Adoption is traumatizing regardless of age. Within a fifteen(ish) day time span, Judah will have left the only home he's ever known, where he shared a room with ten to twenty other children and rarely left the facility's grounds, to meeting his dad, staying in a hotel, lots of appointments, lots of flights and train rides both in country and back to the States, new foods, new smells, new clothes, and a different language. Judah needs to know that we, as his parents, are his constant and will be the ones to meet his needs, whatever they may be.

We are firm believers that attachment begins the minute your son or daughter is handed to you. Even in China, Derek will be the one to see to Judah's needs while Derek's dad will be, as we like to tease him, a glorified baggage handler with no tips. Once they are home, we will be limiting visitors and Judah's interactions with new people and experiences. In fact, for the first few weeks that he's home he won't be leaving the house. If you do plan to help us in any way or visit, as some of you have already volunteered (thank you!) please text or call us first so we can decide how to proceed. After those first few weeks or more if he needs them are up, we will slowly start to introduce him to new experiences and people. For example, we may attempt church on a Sunday, and if that goes well maybe get groceries on Monday. If not, then we'll stay put for a few days and try again when we feel he's ready. There is no timeline or agenda.

Another way things might seem strange to you is that at times, it may seem like we don't discipline the boys. I promise you, that is not and will not be the case. However, unless Judah (or Jordan) is a danger to himself or others, we will not be enforcing typical rules that you may have in place for your kids who have always lived with you and have trusted you since birth. Things that typically we would even call Jordan out on we may let slide for a short while. In Judah's case, he is only just learning how to live in a family--so how can we expect certain behaviors and rules to be obeyed if he's never experienced them before? We also ask that you do not discipline or correct either of our kids (again, unless they are a danger to themselves or others around them) so that we can establish a trust relationship between all four of us with no resentment. If you do see a questionable behavior, please bring it to Derek's or my attention to handle. 

Judah may seem like a friendly, outgoing, affectionate, and extroverted kid. This is very common for kids who are raised in an institution, but in addition, if his file is indeed correct, both he and Jordan have that special extrovert gene. This is why it's especially important for you to please remember that when you do come into contact with Judah, he may ask you for a snack or to be picked up or read to or any number of things, and--here is the hard part--please do not do what he asks and redirect him to us, his parents.

That's right.

Go against everything that you know to be true and right in this world and do not help the cute little boy with dimples. This rule applies to everyone, no matter your relationship to us and/or him. We know what we are asking, and how hard it will be for some of you, but there is no way for us to know what is Judah's personality vs. what could be a display of typical orphanage behavior. Children in orphanages are used to going to an adult, any adult, and asking for what they need. Not only does Judah need to learn who his parents are and more importantly, what parents do, Derek and I also need to learn about and bond with our son as well.

Before Judah accepts anything--food, affection, toys or gifts--from others, he needs to accept them from both of us. If you do have something you wish to give him, we ask that you wait or that you give it to one of us to screen when an appropriate time would be to give it, no matter how small or large the item. Thank you to those of you who have already done so. He has lived with very little to call his own, and the last thing we want is for him to be overwhelmed with toys and gifts. On the other hand, and this might be the only time we'll say this because it goes against everything we've ever said, this would be an excellent time to affirm Jordan and his place in the family should you still feel the need to shower anyone with gifts.

We realize what we are asking, and that it might seem crazy to you. Again, we have no timeline or agenda. Some children can be well-adjusted within a few months and some may take a year or more--regardless of age! However extreme, all we want is to do whatever is best for Judah and Jordan to make sure they both feel secure in their place in our family. If you're not sure about something, just ask us. Derek or I won't be far away from either of them, or easily reachable, so we'll be happy to answer any of your questions. Some things we might relax right away, and others not, but we have no way of knowing until we are reunited and living together as a family of four. It's a gradual process, full of two steps forward and one step back, but our hope is that it will be so gradual that no one will even notice the tiny changes, and that on Judah's timeline, he will be a happy and well-adjusted little boy who knows he has family and friends who love him, just as Jordan is.

By no means are we implying that we are experts on the subject of attachment. I'm pretty positive that there will be times we mess up, but--in addition to everything else we are already asking you--please show us some grace? We'd like to think we've learned a few things from last time, but every child is different, no matter how they join your family and adjustments always need to be made. If you want to read further about our crazy ways, I'm happy to suggest a number of resources that have been written by psychologists, social workers, and adoptive parents.

Thank you all very much for your understanding and help while we get used to our new normal as a family of four!

Plus One

Plus One Day: the day when your child has been home with you one day longer than they weren't. 

Typically, it's used as a marker for adjustment and attachment. When you reach it, it's a good measurement for where your family is in your attachment journey. For many, it's indicative of how well-adjusted your child is. To fully erase the damage of being alone, institutionalized, without a family, some experts say this particular day can be when your child will finally begin to feel wholly and completely a part of your family. A Plus One Day is a good thing. Some families even choose to celebrate this day, especially since it only comes once. 

Well, we didn't. 

In fact, while I've thought about Jet's time with us off and on over the past eighteen months or so, I never actually marked the date, and it was only yesterday that I saw a post on Facebook by someone else who mentioned it and I realized I should count back since surely it was coming up. Well, it actually came and went over two months ago, with no acknowledgement and absolutely zero pomp and circumstance in this house. 

I brought it up to Derek even, marveling at the fact that Jet has been with us for more than half his life. Part of that is due to the fact that he was just barely sixteen months old on our Family Day, which is atypically young, and the other part is because time truly does fly. Ten pounds and nine inches worth of time, actually. 

So while we (belatedly) acknowledge this day, it's also bittersweet. It's one more day removed from his country of birth. It's one more day removed from his birth parents, who may never know that their son is still alive. One more day removed from his Nainai. It's realizing that he no longer responds to Jian Guo. It's realizing that his little "xiexie" has morphed into "thank you". 

Please, don't misunderstand. These are all good things. I'm thankful that Jet's adjustment and attachment went smoothly. Of course there were bumps in the road, as expected, but overall we're grateful that we have a pretty confident, well-adjusted little boy who we can call our son. Yet we can't help but grieve, to realize this isn't the way it's supposed to be. 

In a perfect world, Jet's birth family wouldn't have had to worry about their son needing costly, open heart surgery. They wouldn't have had to make what I can only imagine was a devastating decision. Their son would grow up happy and healthy, with his family who loved him. 

But, that's not how things worked out. His birth family was forced to make the hardest choice parents can face. For reasons we'll never know but will always be thankful for, God orchestrated Jet to be able to receive his lifesaving surgery while still in China. Then, while recovering and up to the time of his adoption, Jet was able to learn to live in a family, a part of a family with a woman who loved him as a son, teaching him important things like how to love and how to be loved in return...thus making his transition into our family as our son smoother than most. We're forever grateful to her for her sacrificial love. 

We don't live in a perfect world. We have lots of questions, and never enough answers. But we do know that God doesn't make mistakes. His plan is perfect. He's in control. 

So we forgot Jet's Plus One Day. I haven't even done the math to figure out when it was exactly, because right now, it doesn't matter. What matters is our son, growing up happy and healthy, with his family who loves him. Jet is where he's supposed to be. 

NAM2016: Six Months In

It has been a very long day. Of course, since I'm a glutton for punishment, yesterday I spent cleaning out Jordan's room and put away all of Jordan's summer clothes that just don't fit plus his Gotcha Day outfit and the toys and bottle he came with. Yes, the bottle he came to us with. The one that is in almost every single one of our China pictures, plus probably most of the photos from the first months home. Yes, we both cried when I put it in the box (but for different reasons). So really, I did not prepare well emotionally (or physically) to get through today.

And if you had told me I would be writing about our six month anniversary of the day we became a family of three from a hospital room, I probably wouldn't have believed you. Although we've known this testing would be coming and expected it, it's one thing to anticipate and push it aside and another completely to be sitting in an uncomfortable chair with interruptions for chest x-rays and vitals and meds. Derek is actually in the comfortable chair. I'm on the couch that pulls out into a bed, but it isn't quite long enough to sit on comfortably. Our room is actually really nice--so I shouldn't complain about anything except for my height not quite working to my advantage for once.

If you've been following our Jet Landing Facebook page then you'll know that Jordan had a stent placed during his heart catheterization, fixing one of his issues. However, the other is still to be decided. Our cardiologist was very firm that he will need surgery, but they (the team of cardio surgeons) will be discussing whether to do it sooner than later. Derek and I personally would prefer sooner while he is still little and won't remember it as much, plus could hopefully bounce back quicker than if he was older. Of course, when they say later, we don't know if they mean next summer or when he's six or sixteen. The risks of waiting would be possibly allowing permanent irreparable damage to muscles, veins, and arteries in the heart but on the other hand, but they just need to evaluate if there is a benefit to waiting.

Hospital Selfie! Happy 6 Months!
 Hi Pom Pom!

We are tired. There is simply no other way to phrase it other than physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally just exhausted. Derek says intellectually doesn't count, but I do, since Jack Sparrow also agrees. Jordan is tired, probably with all of those things too. It really been a long six months of doctors and emergency rooms and conferences and phone calls and medication updates and changes and plain old education about his heterotaxy (which Google tells me is not a word, but it is.)

We're so, so happy to have this procedure behind us. Hopefully anytime it is needed in the future it will just be a routine event (and yes, the stent will have to grow with him, so it will be needed in the future). Our questions for the most part have been answered. We're still waiting on the surgical team to determine the next course of action but at least there will be a game plan in place instead of all the balls up in the air.

But...

We signed up for this. We knew, starting with the submission of our LOI (Letter of Intent--whoa...flashback to March of this past year) that this would be a possibility. Adoption is scary. There are no guarantees. It's a leap of faith that, quite honestly, you just have to close your eyes, take a hugely deep breath, and jump. We didn't know anything about how this would end up--and we still don't.

Yet it's still so totally worth it. Never would trade it, ever. Jordan has brought more joy to our lives and those around him than we could have imagined. The number of people who have stopped us to pray for us and for him--even doctors and nurses--still astounds me. He is silly,sassy, wild, talkative, extroverted, and loves an audience. (Opposites surely do attract; or maybe this is God's sense of humor again.)

Thank you for those of you who helped us bring him home. Thank you for those of you who have supported us so far. We're only six months in, and sometimes that can seem like forever to some people...but in reality it's still just a fraction of his life that he's spent with us--and a very tumultuous six months it's been for him. And although he can't yet tell us, we hope he also agrees that our family is pretty awesome with the three of us.

Perhaps you've tuned in to the blog this month because it's National Adoption Month or to see more in depth about how our trip to China went. And maybe you're tired of hearing about our trip or our adoption. That's fine! Sometimes, we got tired of reliving it. (Is that bad to admit? I'm not sure.) But the one thing I hope that's made a difference to you, whether you are just tuning in now or you've been with us since our very first post when we were just two people recording our travels, is the impact you can have on the life of a child. Derek and I have adopted one child. Just one. We hope to support dozens more. And, welcome more into our home someday. And there are families who adopt three, six, eight, or even ten children. There are good families who foster kids who have no other options but to move on from their biological parents--whether temporarily or permanently. There are children in Syria, in the Middle East, scattered across Europe in general who have no home, no clothes, and no food. There are women--girls--who find out they're pregnant and don't know what to do and how or if to proceed with the pregnancy because they have no other options.

These are not exaggerations. These are facts. The important thing to remember is that you can do something. It doesn't have to be traveling to China. It doesn't have to be opening your home to foster care or adopting a child. It doesn't have to be permanent! It can be lunch at your local public school with some of the kids who need a role model. It can be donating some diapers to your local women's pregnancy crisis center. It can even be financially supporting a family whom you know is adopting--or has adopted in the past! But please, please, do something. I promise, you can. 

NAM2016: Our Family Day 5/30/16

I realize this is about five days late, but its been a pretty interesting five days here. However, here is the long-awaited post about Gotcha Day. We like to call it Family Day, by the way. We have nothing against the Gotcha Day phrase, and there are a lot of different reasons for why people use either term, but Family Day for us just sounds more...family. We also wanted to post this since so many of you prayed for us both this day and every day since (and many of you days and months before). Plus, with our church showing our adoption testimony video on Sunday, we figured some people may be interested in a little more behind the scenes. (Note, for those of you that missed the video, it should be available soonish to view and share.) This will probably be a long post because I do plan to go through the entire day until bedtime--not just for your sake but for ours and Jet's memories someday.

As I previously mentioned in my last post, we had the absolute best night's sleep the night before we went to the government building to receive Jet--probably the best night's sleep we had in the entire months of both May and June. That was definitely a God thing, but I honestly don't know how else that would have been possible. Derek laughed at me because I was trying on clothes like a maniac that morning knowing there would be photographs and videos, but finally just went with what was comfortable. It was 85 degrees outside and other than our hotel, most buildings did not have air conditioning. Also, gents reading...sorry, this is TMI, but for the ladies...underwire was not an option. Go with the sports bra if you travel to China in the summer. Life. Saver. Derek clearly spent a lot of time on his clothing choices too, before we snapped a picture of ourselves and all the gifts (for the orphanage workers and his ayi...although I'm not positive that his ayi received her gift). We also loaded up my giant purse and a few bags with supplies, since we had absolutely no idea when we would be coming back to the hotel. Before we left, I also just want to plug our absolutely amazing hotel buffet. Many of you know I can barely eat breakfast (don't judge, I know it's a terrible habit) and if I do eat it, it cannot be sweet. This food was amazing. I still make these things for breakfast and just the other day Jet and I had leftover lo mein for breakfast with eggs.

The building was much closer to the hotel than we knew and arrived around 9am, and the three of us families with our agency shared a quick prayer together before we began the wait for our children. Essentially unless special arrangements are made, all families adopting in the Henan province meet in the capital city of Zhengzhou at the Henan Centre for Children's Adoption, so there were a few other families waiting there as well with their agency reps for their children. Derek and I (and the other families) settled in for a longer wait and tried to calm our sudden nerves, because This. Was. Happening.



And, happen quickly it did. Suddenly, no more than five minutes after we sat down and ten minutes after arrival, there was a flurry of movement and voices. Obviously, neither of us spoke the language so we had absolutely no clue what was going on until our guide gestured to us that Jian Guo had arrived. Jian Guo!? That was our son! He arrived with his beloved ayi who was his sole caregiver and they apparently had taken the bullet train from Beijing to Zhengzhou that morning (so he'd been up since before 6am...already he'd experienced an eventful morning)! He was very big-eyed, and clinging to his ayi yet checking out the room thoroughly (we have since learned about him that he IS quite nosy, but also very observant when in new surroundings). I've attached the two best videos we have, and they pretty much say what I can't.

The handoff, as Derek likes to call it, went pretty well until Jordan realized "wait. I have to STAY with these people? But I don't know them!" Our guide interpreted for us that he had heart medication that he needed to take twice a day and asked if we had any questions. Honestly, we didn't...but only because we had absolutely no idea what to ask (as you can see in that second video). We had already been given his general daily schedule, a few days worth of his formula, and other than that we just didn't know what were typical questions to ask. Beyond that, we had anticipated waiting hours for his arrival--not five minutes. I think all of the families were thrown off, because we didn't even have a chance to give people our cameras. 

His ayi kissed him goodbye, once, then twice, and left. Looking back, I can see in photos that it was hard for her to say goodbye. One special item that did not make it into any of our photos was a pillow that had traveled with him that had pictures of all of his "brothers and sisters" from Morning Star to keep him company on the train. If anything, that's what got to me. I wish we had been thinking clearly enough to get a photo with her, or at least her name, but we weren't. 

The next couple hours were painful. It was so hard, because he was beside himself (plus he was hot). We removed a layer of clothing and started sponging him off but he wasn't having it. For about two hours, until the other families received their children, I wandered around that room with him while he sobbed. (Yes, I still tear up now thinking about it.) We received lots of encouragement from the other families and guides that it was normal, but we could see that some of them were thinking "is this what it will be like for us?" Our guide, Tina, did pull me aside during our pacing and said the more the child cried on Family Day the faster the adjustment would be. At that point, I felt like our adjustment should be immediate, based on how things were going! But slowly, we made progress. I learned we didn't walk past the door, because that was where he last saw his ayi. His arm slowly started to wrap around my side and slowly he started to lean on me instead of pulling away. His bottle, his beloved bottle that many of you have seen and we still use during upsetting days, did not leave his mouth. We were a snotty, drooly, formula covered hot mess--both of us. Lest you think that Derek was just standing around, he was actually fanning us to keep us as cool as possible...most of the pictures we have were taken by others. At this point, I honestly felt (and I think Derek did too) like we were the absolute worst people in the world. As far as Jet was concerned, WE did this to him. This was OUR fault. WE were the ones who took him away from everything comfortable. I know this isn't true, but I don't know how else to communicate to you how we felt in that moment. 

Ever so slowly, he calmed down. If loud noises (new family members arriving) happened or I made the mistake of heading past the door for some air, we'd start up crying again but by the time we got in the bus he had settled down. No smiles of course, but no more tears. He was, truly, just exhausted at that point--and who could blame him. Crying takes it out of you, traveling takes it out of you, new experiences take it out of you...he was three for three--as evidenced by the absolute immediate sleep when we got in the van to head back to the hotel. (We also soon learned that as a "fight or flight" response, Jordan's was flight--and by flight we mean sleep since it's not like he was mobile! Sleep allowed him to escape the situation.) But you have to admit, sweaty hot mess and all, he was (and is) pretty darn cute. 

Once we got back to the room, we soon learned I would not be able to put him down for anything (and that he was quite particular about how to sit on me). Eye contact was still kept at a minimum and still no smiles. Derek ordered some lunch and we ate in the room while Jordan ate some snacks that had been sent with him somehow with his bottle still in his mouth. (By the way, even now, when he sees pictures of himself with that particular bottle, he still asks for "milk?") Our very clean and white bedding was quickly covered with crumbs. We also stupidly attempted a selfie, which just made things worse. He was comfortable, or at least getting there, and then we disrupted him to make him take a picture for our Jet Landing Facebook page. Fail. There were a lot of parenting fails that day, but he doesn't hold them against us and it's not like kids come with a manual anyway! We also learned quite quickly he did NOT like my long(ish) blonde hair anywhere near his face. Actually only recently does he like it now--by recently I mean in the past month he thinks it's hilarious and awesome. That particular day however, it was terrifying.

Then, because we are awesome at knowing the best thing to do, we decided that since he was covered in drool/snot/crumbs/slime, we should at least hose him down in the giant bathtub. No. Wrong decision. Adoptive parents reading this, I feel and accept your judgement. No need to rub it in. However, he was clean, and everyone (IMO) sleeps better when they're in clean clothes. And his cheeks were huge and adorable. The absolute best. Clearly, this boy liked to eat. He finally fell asleep on Mama, but unfortunately we had a major problem. Well, I had a major problem. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with Derek yet at this point--wouldn't even look at him but (here comes more TMI) I had to pee SO. BAD. Sorry, but it's true. So after traumatizing him with the bath, it was either embarrass myself with the hotel staff or traumatize him further and wake him up to have Baba (Daddy) hold him. Obviously, we chose the latter.

But you know what? It went fine. I mean, we did have some tears, but Derek FINALLY got to hold his son too. And yes, those clear glass bathroom walls did come in handy so Jet could see that I wasn't leaving. Plus, he let Derek hold him long enough that I could get a few pictures after I got back. AND he stopped crying. We call that progress. Then the progress started happening even faster. Instead of needing to be on my lap at all times, he would sometimes go by Derek. He still refused to walk or crawl, but he did start to venture out onto the bed--not off of the bed, just move around on it. We were ecstatic! This is actually typical behavior: start with where they feel safe and let them explore on their own from there. We may have pushed it with the bath, but clearly the prayers from the other side of the world from the people who stayed up all night or most of the night for this were helping. The bottle was attached though--I still want to know if this was his comfort only because it came with him or if this was HIS bottle with Morning Star and what he had always used. By the way, the only time this bottle was not attached to his person was when we got our official picture taken for our paperwork. He had literally just calmed down--again--and they took the bottle out of his mouth...and man, did he let everyone know what he thought about that!

We really didn't do much during the rest of the day--just played with the iPad and apparently he already know how to use a phone; we ate some more room service supper even though the other families offered to meet us in the dining room for dinner. We really felt the cocooning process that we wrote about before we left started from the second we got him, and wanted him to get used to us before we started taking him out on our own--unless we had to.

We did another bath, which went almost as well as the last one, and then got him ready for bed. It gets dark there around 6:30, which threw us off for the entire trip since back home it wasn't dark until 8:30 or so. We actually started a routine that night that lasted the rest of the trip. Both of us would do bath time with him and get jammies on him, then I would lay in bed with him until he fell asleep while Derek ran (walked up and down two huge flights of stairs to cross a bridge plus a few more blocks) to the Walmart to get snacks or things we needed. Usually, it was Coke or a Snickers, but also things like looking for a second bottle like the one he had, etc. (FYI, we had people looking at home too. The closest we could find cost $80. We did not buy it.) By the time Derek would get back, Jet would be asleep enough that I could transfer him to his crib (which we turned into a cosleeper) and we'd take turns taking showers and going to bed. But that first night? We were all exhausted. I'm still glad Derek made it back from Walmart safely because selfishly I just wanted a shower and bed.

At the end of the day, regardless of the exhaustion, tears, boogers, more tears, exhaustion...he was ours. The paperwork was officially signed and we were his legal guardians. I believe there was a twenty four hour period where we could change our minds, but there was and never had been even an iota of doubt to do so. Feng Jian Guo, now known as Jordan Ezekiel Tanis, or Jet, became a member of our Family on May 30, 2016. Praising God still for all He has done to orchestrate this amazing plan for all three of our lives.