Hear me now, no one is dying...and I do have a reason for that title. We've all learned in English Lit at some point in our lives that a good title is what draws people in, and this is way catchier than "Happy Nine Years to Us!"
Today is our ninth anniversary--and beyond that thirteen years since we got together. How did this happen? It's a weird mix of realizing the changes in ourselves and yet still feeling like the kids we were when we started dating in high school.
I like pictures. Pictures tell a story. I promise, I'll get around to explaining the title of this blog, and it's nothing bad. But for now, a not-so-brief walk through memory lane. Humor me. (And also, since digital cameras weren't really a thing until our wedding and after...we are officially that old...I don't exactly have a ton of pre-wedding photos!) I would also just like to note that we were the first wedding to do sparklers at First Church in Lansing...when we asked if that was okay, PK said "well, there's no rule yet..." so sounded like a yes to us! We took a short honeymoon in Jamaica, and honestly felt like actual adults (I mean, we were...but this was one of those fancy-schmancy all-inclusives. Living. The. Life.)
Then...flash forward six months to Derek graduating Valpo, moving to Peoria, buying a house, and starting at Cat (all within about a month's time). Yes, we know. Crazy. But that's generally how we roll...deal with everything after the fact! Not to worry, we are learning how to process things correctly.
I know many of you don't remember, but yes, we did have some absolutely...intriguing wallpaper and decor when we bought this house and I thought I should include that for the memories. Or for just the shock factor. That is a LOT of floral wallpaper--and forest green trim. And it was everywhere...the hallway to the main floor bedrooms, the dining room, etc. I made the picture big enough for you to get the full effect, because it was important to me to ingrain it upon your memories as it is ours.
After those fast moving months though, came some fun parts. We got our little puppy, Casey, who is going to be nine in May (old man dog). We did some house remodeling--really, more than some--we did a LOT. Our house you could call our baby really, if you want to stretch it a little bit.
Perhaps the most fun we've had thus far was being DINKS (Dual Income, No Kids) for the majority of these nine years. That's not to knock anyone who had or is having kids right away, but it was a special time for us! We were able to do a lot of traveling that I don't think we would have done otherwise, or at least not for a long time.
We did Cabo...
And a Disney Cruise with family where we stopped in Key West, Grand Cayman (sea turtles!), and Cozumel...
We did a Highway 1 roadtrip through California, starting in Monterey and ending in Santa Barbara...
Lone Cypress/17 Mile Drive
Monterey Mission
McWay Falls
Bixby Bridge
Butterfly Beach (Not our dog.)
Guitar Bar
Carr Winery
And as our "babymoon" or last trip before bringing home Baby Tanis, yet unknown, in Seaside, FL.
Obviously, in the past six months, things have changed. There were two of us, and now there's three. And in the spirit of complete honesty and transparency, the last night of our vacation in Florida I did cry, because I knew things would change. I knew things would be better, but I knew things would be different.
And they have been different! We're still adjusting to a family of three. And that's where the title of this blog comes in. On a particularly rough day, where I was sick and Jordan was sick and Derek was just trying to hold down the fort and all of our sanity, I will admit to being overly emotional and exhausted and just asking Derek is this what he signed up for? And his response was very serious and heartfelt: "of course! I promised in sickness and in death."
Sickness and death. Sure. Those weren't exactly the vows I remember saying, but sure. I mean, I guess we can work with that.
In high school, we had to write a paper freshmen year about a coming of age moment, (ironically in the class that Derek and I met) and I distinctly remember our teacher's example of coming home from the hospital with their new baby and realizing the changes happening, and that's what these past six months have been for us. Please don't misunderstand, we're SO excited to be a family of three. So excited to see what the next years bring us! But there's that bittersweet element to it too. Midnight movie showings are harder to work into a schedule. Spur of the moment weekend trips require actual planning. Sleeping in? Well...that we can't complain about since Jordan didn't wake up until 9:30 today lol. And one of the best parts about all of this? That's normal. We're completely normal to feel this way, which is such a relief.
And the absolute, 100% best part? We're still in this together. Now all three of us. How exciting is that!
It is estimated that there are over 140 million documented orphans in the world per UNICEF. Approximately half of the 19.5 million registered refugees in the world today are children. Although only one third of the world's population, children make up over half of those in the world living in extreme poverty. Over 250,000 children in the United States enter the foster care system every year (more than half are able to return to their families) with over 20,000 aging out of the system without adoption. There are approximately 415,000 children in the United States foster care system with approximately over 17,000 of them in IL. Over 104,000 children in the United States foster care system are waiting to be adopted.
That's a lot of numbers and statistics, but I'm married to an engineer. If you're interested in even more statistics, click here.
Orphan care wasn't something that Derek and I fully understood when we first decided to pursue adoption two years ago. Sure, adoption is a facet of orphan care--and a big one--there's no denying that. I think we've all heard the statistics "If there are x number of Christians in the world, and y number of orphans, then it is each Christian's duty to adopt so that there would be no more orphans."
But first, exactly, what is an orphan? What does an orphan look like? A simple google of the definition of the word brings the obvious answer of "a child who has lost both parents, or less commonly, one parent, to death." Yet, the term orphan is also defined as "a person that is without protective affiliation, sponsorship, etc."
"Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause." Isaiah 1:17
For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me...'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me. Matthew 25: 35-36, 40
I'm going to go out on a limb here, and probably catch some flak for saying this, but I disagree with the common statement that I've seen on Facebook and other social media that since God commands the care of orphans, every Christian needs to adopt--thus eliminating the need for orphan care. I will, however, say that every Christian is called to do something. Anything. We are not limited to foster care or adoption.
That can be child sponsorship.
That can be making hygiene kits to send to refugee children.
That can be adoption through foster care.
That can be short term foster care.
That can be financial support to families who are doing any of those things--and yes, they need that support, and unless you have experienced it firsthand--more than you can know.
That can be using your gifts and abilities as a medical resource to answer questions about a child's file.
That can be respite care, or bringing a meal, or shopping for a family who just received a new foster placement.
That can be cleaning someone's house while they are traveling to bring their child home, or cleaning someone's house simply because they don't have the energy to do so while caring and bonding with new child.
That can be volunteering your time to serve at the local pregnancy crisis center.
That can be paying for the groceries of the teen mother in front of you with her newborn.
That can be volunteering your lunch hour to spend at an inner city school to share a meal with a student.
That can be providing emotional support to a family adjusting to a new child.
That can be supporting an organization that helps keep families together.
And yes, that can be adoption, both international and domestic.
You may have other ideas you can add to this list! Please do share! Derek and I chose to adopt from China. That's just where we felt led to serve. In the future, our hope and prayer is to go back for another son or daughter should that be what we're called to do. In the short term, we hope to be a resource to however God wants us to be used. This Orphan Sunday, Derek and I celebrate with children and families that have adopted to say there is "one less" orphan in the world. Please, join us in helping make other families be able to say there is one less--whether that's one less child going hungry, one less child feeling unsafe, or one less child without a forever family.
Baby Tanis November 2014
---------- Other resources for you:
http://www.lifesongfororphans.org/
http://www.theforgotteninitiative.org/
https://cafo.org/orphansunday/
https://www.samaritanspurse.org/
I realize this is about five days late, but its been a pretty interesting five days here. However, here is the long-awaited post about Gotcha Day. We like to call it Family Day, by the way. We have nothing against the Gotcha Day phrase, and there are a lot of different reasons for why people use either term, but Family Day for us just sounds more...family. We also wanted to post this since so many of you prayed for us both this day and every day since (and many of you days and months before). Plus, with our church showing our adoption testimony video on Sunday, we figured some people may be interested in a little more behind the scenes. (Note, for those of you that missed the video, it should be available soonish to view and share.) This will probably be a long post because I do plan to go through the entire day until bedtime--not just for your sake but for ours and Jet's memories someday.
As I previously mentioned in my last post, we had the absolute best night's sleep the night before we went to the government building to receive Jet--probably the best night's sleep we had in the entire months of both May and June. That was definitely a God thing, but I honestly don't know how else that would have been possible. Derek laughed at me because I was trying on clothes like a maniac that morning knowing there would be photographs and videos, but finally just went with what was comfortable. It was 85 degrees outside and other than our hotel, most buildings did not have air conditioning. Also, gents reading...sorry, this is TMI, but for the ladies...underwire was not an option. Go with the sports bra if you travel to China in the summer. Life. Saver. Derek clearly spent a lot of time on his clothing choices too, before we snapped a picture of ourselves and all the gifts (for the orphanage workers and his ayi...although I'm not positive that his ayi received her gift). We also loaded up my giant purse and a few bags with supplies, since we had absolutely no idea when we would be coming back to the hotel. Before we left, I also just want to plug our absolutely amazing hotel buffet. Many of you know I can barely eat breakfast (don't judge, I know it's a terrible habit) and if I do eat it, it cannot be sweet. This food was amazing. I still make these things for breakfast and just the other day Jet and I had leftover lo mein for breakfast with eggs.
The building was much closer to the hotel than we knew and arrived around 9am, and the three of us families with our agency shared a quick prayer together before we began the wait for our children. Essentially unless special arrangements are made, all families adopting in the Henan province meet in the capital city of Zhengzhou at the Henan Centre for Children's Adoption, so there were a few other families waiting there as well with their agency reps for their children. Derek and I (and the other families) settled in for a longer wait and tried to calm our sudden nerves, because This. Was. Happening.
And, happen quickly it did. Suddenly, no more than five minutes after we sat down and ten minutes after arrival, there was a flurry of movement and voices. Obviously, neither of us spoke the language so we had absolutely no clue what was going on until our guide gestured to us that Jian Guo had arrived. Jian Guo!? That was our son! He arrived with his beloved ayi who was his sole caregiver and they apparently had taken the bullet train from Beijing to Zhengzhou that morning (so he'd been up since before 6am...already he'd experienced an eventful morning)! He was very big-eyed, and clinging to his ayi yet checking out the room thoroughly (we have since learned about him that he IS quite nosy, but also very observant when in new surroundings). I've attached the two best videos we have, and they pretty much say what I can't.
The handoff, as Derek likes to call it, went pretty well until Jordan realized "wait. I have to STAY with these people? But I don't know them!" Our guide interpreted for us that he had heart medication that he needed to take twice a day and asked if we had any questions. Honestly, we didn't...but only because we had absolutely no idea what to ask (as you can see in that second video). We had already been given his general daily schedule, a few days worth of his formula, and other than that we just didn't know what were typical questions to ask. Beyond that, we had anticipated waiting hours for his arrival--not five minutes. I think all of the families were thrown off, because we didn't even have a chance to give people our cameras.
His ayi kissed him goodbye, once, then twice, and left. Looking back, I can see in photos that it was hard for her to say goodbye. One special item that did not make it into any of our photos was a pillow that had traveled with him that had pictures of all of his "brothers and sisters" from Morning Star to keep him company on the train. If anything, that's what got to me. I wish we had been thinking clearly enough to get a photo with her, or at least her name, but we weren't.
The next couple hours were painful. It was so hard, because he was beside himself (plus he was hot). We removed a layer of clothing and started sponging him off but he wasn't having it. For about two hours, until the other families received their children, I wandered around that room with him while he sobbed. (Yes, I still tear up now thinking about it.) We received lots of encouragement from the other families and guides that it was normal, but we could see that some of them were thinking "is this what it will be like for us?" Our guide, Tina, did pull me aside during our pacing and said the more the child cried on Family Day the faster the adjustment would be. At that point, I felt like our adjustment should be immediate, based on how things were going! But slowly, we made progress. I learned we didn't walk past the door, because that was where he last saw his ayi. His arm slowly started to wrap around my side and slowly he started to lean on me instead of pulling away. His bottle, his beloved bottle that many of you have seen and we still use during upsetting days, did not leave his mouth. We were a snotty, drooly, formula covered hot mess--both of us. Lest you think that Derek was just standing around, he was actually fanning us to keep us as cool as possible...most of the pictures we have were taken by others. At this point, I honestly felt (and I think Derek did too) like we were the absolute worst people in the world. As far as Jet was concerned, WE did this to him. This was OUR fault. WE were the ones who took him away from everything comfortable. I know this isn't true, but I don't know how else to communicate to you how we felt in that moment.
Ever so slowly, he calmed down. If loud noises (new family members arriving) happened or I made the mistake of heading past the door for some air, we'd start up crying again but by the time we got in the bus he had settled down. No smiles of course, but no more tears. He was, truly, just exhausted at that point--and who could blame him. Crying takes it out of you, traveling takes it out of you, new experiences take it out of you...he was three for three--as evidenced by the absolute immediate sleep when we got in the van to head back to the hotel. (We also soon learned that as a "fight or flight" response, Jordan's was flight--and by flight we mean sleep since it's not like he was mobile! Sleep allowed him to escape the situation.) But you have to admit, sweaty hot mess and all, he was (and is) pretty darn cute.
Once we got back to the room, we soon learned I would not be able to put him down for anything (and that he was quite particular about how to sit on me). Eye contact was still kept at a minimum and still no smiles. Derek ordered some lunch and we ate in the room while Jordan ate some snacks that had been sent with him somehow with his bottle still in his mouth. (By the way, even now, when he sees pictures of himself with that particular bottle, he still asks for "milk?") Our very clean and white bedding was quickly covered with crumbs. We also stupidly attempted a selfie, which just made things worse. He was comfortable, or at least getting there, and then we disrupted him to make him take a picture for our Jet Landing Facebook page. Fail. There were a lot of parenting fails that day, but he doesn't hold them against us and it's not like kids come with a manual anyway! We also learned quite quickly he did NOT like my long(ish) blonde hair anywhere near his face. Actually only recently does he like it now--by recently I mean in the past month he thinks it's hilarious and awesome. That particular day however, it was terrifying.
Then, because we are awesome at knowing the best thing to do, we decided that since he was covered in drool/snot/crumbs/slime, we should at least hose him down in the giant bathtub. No. Wrong decision. Adoptive parents reading this, I feel and accept your judgement. No need to rub it in. However, he was clean, and everyone (IMO) sleeps better when they're in clean clothes. And his cheeks were huge and adorable. The absolute best. Clearly, this boy liked to eat. He finally fell asleep on Mama, but unfortunately we had a major problem. Well, I had a major problem. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with Derek yet at this point--wouldn't even look at him but (here comes more TMI) I had to pee SO. BAD. Sorry, but it's true. So after traumatizing him with the bath, it was either embarrass myself with the hotel staff or traumatize him further and wake him up to have Baba (Daddy) hold him. Obviously, we chose the latter.
But you know what? It went fine. I mean, we did have some tears, but Derek FINALLY got to hold his son too. And yes, those clear glass bathroom walls did come in handy so Jet could see that I wasn't leaving. Plus, he let Derek hold him long enough that I could get a few pictures after I got back. AND he stopped crying. We call that progress. Then the progress started happening even faster. Instead of needing to be on my lap at all times, he would sometimes go by Derek. He still refused to walk or crawl, but he did start to venture out onto the bed--not off of the bed, just move around on it. We were ecstatic! This is actually typical behavior: start with where they feel safe and let them explore on their own from there. We may have pushed it with the bath, but clearly the prayers from the other side of the world from the people who stayed up all night or most of the night for this were helping. The bottle was attached though--I still want to know if this was his comfort only because it came with him or if this was HIS bottle with Morning Star and what he had always used. By the way, the only time this bottle was not attached to his person was when we got our official picture taken for our paperwork. He had literally just calmed down--again--and they took the bottle out of his mouth...and man, did he let everyone know what he thought about that!
We really didn't do much during the rest of the day--just played with the iPad and apparently he already know how to use a phone; we ate some more room service supper even though the other families offered to meet us in the dining room for dinner. We really felt the cocooning process that we wrote about before we left started from the second we got him, and wanted him to get used to us before we started taking him out on our own--unless we had to.
We did another bath, which went almost as well as the last one, and then got him ready for bed. It gets dark there around 6:30, which threw us off for the entire trip since back home it wasn't dark until 8:30 or so. We actually started a routine that night that lasted the rest of the trip. Both of us would do bath time with him and get jammies on him, then I would lay in bed with him until he fell asleep while Derek ran (walked up and down two huge flights of stairs to cross a bridge plus a few more blocks) to the Walmart to get snacks or things we needed. Usually, it was Coke or a Snickers, but also things like looking for a second bottle like the one he had, etc. (FYI, we had people looking at home too. The closest we could find cost $80. We did not buy it.) By the time Derek would get back, Jet would be asleep enough that I could transfer him to his crib (which we turned into a cosleeper) and we'd take turns taking showers and going to bed. But that first night? We were all exhausted. I'm still glad Derek made it back from Walmart safely because selfishly I just wanted a shower and bed.
At the end of the day, regardless of the exhaustion, tears, boogers, more tears, exhaustion...he was ours. The paperwork was officially signed and we were his legal guardians. I believe there was a twenty four hour period where we could change our minds, but there was and never had been even an iota of doubt to do so. Feng Jian Guo, now known as Jordan Ezekiel Tanis, or Jet, became a member of our Family on May 30, 2016. Praising God still for all He has done to orchestrate this amazing plan for all three of our lives.
Then...flash forward six months to Derek graduating Valpo, moving to Peoria, buying a house, and starting at Cat (all within about a month's time). Yes, we know. Crazy. But that's generally how we roll...deal with everything after the fact! Not to worry, we are learning how to process things correctly.
